


The Boy and the Broken

by muselesswriter



Category: Cursed (TV 2020)
Genre: Blasphemy, Daddy Issues, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings Realization, Flashbacks, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Inner Dialogue, Inner Struggle, M/M, Other, Physical Abuse, red paladins - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:28:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 30,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26814373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/muselesswriter/pseuds/muselesswriter
Summary: Ever since they left the Paladins' camp, Lancelot's been struggling with his past, trying to remember some while praying not to live the other part, but Percival's there, and the two of them must work together to survive, even if it meant the monk had to be vulnerable.
Relationships: Gawain | The Green Knight & Nimue & Pym & Squirrel | Percival (Cursed), Gawain | The Green Knight & Squirrel | Percival (Cursed), Gawain | The Green Knight & The Weeping Monk | Lancelot (Cursed), Gawain | The Green Knight/Nimue/The Weeping Monk | Lancelot (Cursed), Kaze & Morgana | Igraine (Cursed), Squirrel | Percival & The Weeping Monk | Lancelot (Cursed), Squirrel | Percival & The Weeping monk | Lancelot & Gawain | The Green Knight
Comments: 40
Kudos: 73





	1. The Wounded

It was frustrating, being unable to remember his childhood before he became the church’s favorite pet, he tried his best, to remember what his family was like, that if he had a family, did he have a mother? Like all the other children? Did she sing him to sleep and tell his tales of knights and glory? What about his father? Was he a good man? A working man? Or was he one of those who made life thousand times more difficult for everyone? Did he have any siblings? A sister would be nice, to look after him, or even a brother to play with.

It was frustrating, sometimes he forgot his own name, he had a name, before becoming the sword of the lord, before becoming the weeping monk, he always forgets it though, it’s hard to remember your name when no one uses it. When you’re not allowed to speak of it, he has a trick though, a way of reminding himself.

L as in the Light of the lord, A as in Amen, the word they use after a prayer, N for the Night and the darkness within him, C for the Cemetery, where men of faith are buried, E as in Enlightenment for everything Father taught him, L for the Lord’s forgiveness, O for Occults that must be ended at all costs, T for the Trinity, Lancelot, his name was Lancelot.

He remembers green, perhaps his family lived in the woods instead of the city? He remembers a black horse and a young woman smiling, was she his mother? How can you remember what you’re forced to forget, what you’re encouraged to disown and what you’re punished for thinking about? 

The past’s been haunting him and he’s only been on the run with the boy for two sunrises, he’d heard complaints from both the boy and the horse, begging for a stop but he knew better, he’s injured, severely injured, if he stops now, he might never be able to gain this strength back, or at least, what’s left of it, so instead he drifted in his own thoughts, well, he tried, the boy talked a lot, the poor grey monk barely had a moment to himself, it was good though, he kept him focused, he kept him with a headache that prevented him from falling off his horse.

_“It’s been two days! We must stop for a rest! We can’t keep going forever!”_ Squirrel whined for the hundredth time that day, the older one groaned _“we’re not safe”_ he replied, just like the last time, and the time before, he must admit, he was tired of hearing his voice _“fey’s are never safe”_ the boy commented, it was true, as long as the red paladins existed, they were never safe.

He wondered if he stayed with father Carden, if they killed all of the feys in the world, what would be his destiny? Would father keep him or that now he has no use of him he’d be purified with fire like everyone else? 

_“That’s a good camping spot, trees, water, and distant”_ the boy interrupted again, “ _Percival_!” the ash man said frustrated, “ _I told you not to call me that! I hate that name!_ ” the boy lashed, _“I’m not calling you squirrel, it’s an animal’s name and you’re not an animal! You’re not a pet!”_ the monk argued, **you're not an animal like me** , he thought _“and_ _you’re stupid!_ ” Squirrel shouted back.

At moments like these, the man wondered if it was worth it, leaving the only home he’s ever known for this boy, to rescue him, everything was so irritating about him, he’s sure the boy felt the same way about him, they both were exhausted, eventually, he patted his horse’s neck, making him stop, right in the spot Squirrel pointed out before, a little rest would be a nice idea before the two of them start killing each other.

He dismounted first, every bone in his body ached, sitting in the same position for hours made him forget for a second how badly he’s injured, he reached his arms to help the younger down but the other simply flipped him off and jumped off Goliath, the monk was glad though, he doesn’t think that he’d be able to carry his weight anyways, not like this, he would’ve probably fainted and made a fool of himself.

_“We need food, and water, you fill the waterskin and I’ll hunt us something to eat”_ the man mumbled but the boy protested _“no! You rest, I’ll do it”_ he stood in his way and basically pushed him to sit down, he wanted to protest but his body simply compiled, was his body betraying him for a child? Naming him the new form of authority? To be fair, the monk rarely made his own decisions and so far, the boy’s been smart.

He sat down, leaning against a tree, he has blue eyes and dirty blond hair, his parents must’ve had them too, the woman he remembers did, he remembers her smiling, her smile was warm, can a smile be warm? Can a smile feel like the sun? He wondered what his own smile looked like, what it felt like to be truly happy.

He felt a hand creeping, undressing him from his cloak, he pulled a dagger and pointed it to the person’s neck, he opened his eyes, startled, the scenery was different, it was dark, did he fall asleep? His eyes wandered until they focused on the person who attempted to undress him, Squirrel.

He took a deep breath _“what are you doing boy?”_ he said coldly, was he going to steal what he needs and run away? _“You idiot!”_ Squirrel’s eyes focused on the blade on his throat, he was terrified, but that didn’t stop him from acting tough, the monk’s eyes wandered, the boy had something squishy in his hand, _“it’s Vera, for your wounds”_ Squirrel announced as he noticed the confusion in the monk’s eyes _“you were trying to treat my wounds?”_ the monk frowned _“you’re a slow one aren’t you? I have healing plants in my hand and I’m trying to reach your wounds, what do you think I’m doing?”_ the boy replied harshly, the monk lowered his dagger and nodded _“I’m an idiot”_ he whispered, Squirrel nodded in agreement.

_“Well, are you going to undress?”_ the boy asked after a while of very awkward staring, _“no, I’m alright_ ” the asher lied, he was beyond hurt but he wasn’t going to show him the map of horror that was his body, he looked around, impressed, the boy managed to set a camp and gather food, but there isn’t fire though, he noted, unsure if it’s because he’s smart and didn't want them to be detected or because he simply couldn’t find a way to start one, _“you’re not okay, I’ve seen you being slashed at least five times! You’re hurt! And if we don’t treat it then it’ll get infected and hurt! And Pym said infections are deadly! Now you and your horse are ugly but you can’t die! You grew on me, like fungus!”_ he added.

The monk remained quiet, Squirrel sighed and placed the squished plants on a rag _“are you hungry? I found berries and peach, so we’ll be good, I wanted to refill the bags but I didn’t want to be gone longer, I didn’t want you to worry for losing me, I suppose I’m the one who’s keeping us alive right now, anyway, here”_ he handed the monk his share of the food, and sat down next to him, the monk looked at the food suspiciously, _“go on, I’ve already eaten”_ Squirrel clarified.

The monk slowly started to eat, he hated eating whenever he’s injured, every bite felt like a dagger stabbing his insides, maybe he should’ve taken Percival’s offer of attending to his wounds, he barely finished half of the food, Squirrel handed him the waterskin next, he drank gratefully, for the past few days he’s been barely drinking water, the younger needed it more, especially with all the talking he’s doing.

The younger moved closer to the monk, hiding in his cloak for the warmth, the monk was still as a tree the entire time, he wasn’t used to this closeness, he’s not used to any of this actually, caring for someone else, being shown kindness, Father made sure he’s a lone wolf who needed no one, it’s funny how right now, the one person keeping him going and looking after him is a child, who’s no older than he was when he made his first kill.

_“Thank you Percival”_ he finally mumbled, snapping out of his own thoughts, why did he keep thinking of the past so much? He had no interest in reliving it. 

_“I told you I hate that name, by the Hiddens you’re an idiot!”_ the other replied, The monk was speechless, he’s been called an idiot in the past few days way more than his entire life! And he wasn’t sure how he should feel about it, he simply embraced it, he’s an idiot, _“why do you keep calling me that? How hard can it be to simply call me Squirrel, I like it better! Would you like it if I called you idiot all the time?”_ the boy added “ _you already do that”_ the monk mumbled underneath his breath.

_“My mother used to call me Percival when I’m in trouble, if I don’t do the work she asks, she’d scream; Percival! Get your ass over here you dim-wit!”_ he mimicked her tone _“I was called Squirrel because I can get anywhere, and I’m fast, the fastest in my village, well, I was when I had a village, well, no, there was this boy named Brennick who said I’m as small as a squirrel, I suppose he meant it as an insult but I sneaked behind him and tripped him, my mother was furious but it was worth it, I suppose it’s a badge of honor! And you, how did you become the Weeping Monk?”_

Lancelot thought about his question for a moment, well, he used to cry a lot so that’s how he got the first part, crying is a side effect of torturing a child into becoming the sword of the lord and being forced to find his own kind and watch them die, _“through… hard work”_ he decided that he didn’t want to get into details _“you bore me, with so little_ _talk! I swear Goliath can have more interesting answers and he’s a horse!”_ Squirrel grumbled.

The two of them sat in silence again, the monk tried to move after a while, to adjust himself, sending a wave of pain in every inch of his body, he didn’t scream but Squirrel could tell from the look on his face “ _would you just let me put the damned thing on you? It’ll ease your pain! Pym taught me how to prepare it, I promise it will help!”_ again with Pym, the other wondered who she was, but he didn’t dare to ask, he was about to protest but so far, Percival had proven himself, besides, he thinks he’s ugly anyway, so why does it bother him if he saw how ugly he is exactly, he sighed and nodded.

he started to undress, his cloak went first, with shaky breaths, he had it worse than that before, he would swear on it, but back then he had a tent and a somehow comfortable bed to take away his pain, warm food in his stomach as well, but instead, he’s riding to the unknown with a child who seemed to know way better than he did, next was his top, and this one hurt very much since the blood dried all over it, Percival had to help him with that.

Then he was shirtless, revealing his shame and pain, his weaknesses, Percival stayed quiet for a moment, the monk thought the boy was too disgusted to say anything but truth be told, he pitied the monk, was it even possible for a child to pity a man? unsure of where to start, he probably should’ve brought more of his magic plants, he traced the old scars on the monk’s back with the tip of his fingers _“do they hurt?”_ he muttered softly, the monk shook his head, the boy remained quiet for the next part, he applied the squished herbs on his most recent wounds, the ones that look the worse, and a few minutes later the monk was able to breathe without feeling stabbed.

Percival used tree leafs to cover the material, noticing how the leafs blended with his body, turning green, he frowned _“you’re one of us?_ ” he said in both sorrow and distress, _“but you help them kill us! You helped them! Why would you betray your own kind?”_ **they're not my own kind, I'm way worst than them** , the monk thought, he took a deep breath _“Ash man, the Green Knight called me that”_ he mumbled softly, sadly, _“I… it’s… I didn’t have a choice, I was taken young, they wouldn’t even let me die, I suppose it was easier to become their animal, and eventually, I ended up being them”_

_“How old were you when they took you?”_ Squirrel sat in front of him, hugging his legs, his eyes focused on him, but the look on his face wasn’t anger, he didn’t scream at him or hit him, the look in his eyes was soft, gentle, and filled with curiosity as if he somehow understood _“four or five? It’s been so long, everything is vivid about it”_ the monk replied, for once, he was trying, he really was _“did you have a family?”_ Squirrel asked next, the monk simply shrugged “ _everyone has parents I suppose”_

_“Well, I’m sure once Nimue hears your tale she’d let you join our camp, we can find you a new family! You can start your own even, once we’re safe enough”_ the boy assured him “ _she’d understand_ ”, the monk shook his head _“my actions are beyond forgiveness, and I don’t deserve it, once we reach the camp we’ll part then I’ll face my doomed fate”_ it was the truth though, the Fey's would never forgive his actions, he killed his own kind.

It meant nothing that he was merely a child when he was taken, it made no difference that he had to suffer and break until he became the infamous Weeping Monk, they wouldn’t go easy on him for only killing men and sparing both women and children, in their eyes he’s a traitor, in his eyes he’s the worst and in god’s eyes, he’s an abomination.

_“Then… we won’t go to the camp, we can go somewhere, ride a ship far away, we can start over somewhere new, my family’s gone anyways and it’s a slim chance that we can find the fey camp, they probably settled in a new place by now”_ Percival said softly, a frown was drawn into the monk’s lips, he’s not letting a child share his damned fate “ _I’ll find them”_ he assured him, but the boy shook his head _“if they won’t accept you, then we’re not returning there”_ he insisted “ _Why_?”, _“because you saved me”_ Percival simply answered.

_“Everyone deserves a chance”_ the boy added, the monk remained quiet, helping himself back into his clothes, they two sat near each other to remain warm _“in the morning, I’ll gather some more herbs and food then we can continue our journey, to the docks, I suppose Norway is a good option, neither my gods nor yours are there, we’ll be safe”_ the older nodded, yes, this child was the new form of authority in Lancelot's life. 


	2. The Traveler

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lancelot and Squirrel start their journey, trying to feel more comfortable around each other, reflect a few thoughts, and do the right thing.

Squirrel was a man of his words, or a boy, by the time the monk woke up the bags were filled with food, the waterskin was refilled and he even had herbs gathered, he rubbed his eyes first, and slowly stood up, he hated how his body throbbed by the simplest tasks, Squirrel was at the lake, washing his face.

_“I tried to feed your ugly horse, but he ignored me completely”_ Squirrel said once he noticed the monk’s presence, Lancelot knelt next to him, reaching for the water, washing his face, “ _he’s not ugly, and he can handle himself”_ he mumbled softly, glimpsing his reflection on the lake’s surface, he looked like hell, well, he’s going there now anyway.

_“He’s not that ugly”_ Squirrel said defeated then got up, _“come on!, let’s get going! To the docks my hideous companion”_ the boy blurted, the monk stared at him, god, this boy is something! He got up and joined him, helping him to climb Goliath, then vice versa and the two journeyed their way, Lancelot had a plan, to drop off Squirrel at the camp then leave, simple, and it shouldn’t be difficult, of course, it would take time, and Squirrel definitely didn’t need to know about it, his senses are a little weak, unable to scent anything but his blood for the past few days but a good shower will fix that.

_“How did you get those scars on your back?_ ” Squirrel asked, bored by the silence, bored by the endless riding and having nothing to do “ _they’re my sins_ ” he mumbled, embarrassed “ _your_ sins?” the boy asked, the monk simply nodded, the two of them were an opposite pair, Lancelot, being calm and quiet all the time, while Percival being the loud lifeful boy, he wondered if he’d remained in that green place if he would’ve grown up to be like Percival, the way he grew up, he had to be quiet, polite and humble.

_“Lancelot! I’m bored and my back hurts! Can you for once stop being an arse and actually tell me the story? Or else I’ll get so bored and my head would explode or I’d jump off a cliff!”_ the boy whined, _“your head would explode? Is that an option?”_ the monk whispered, more to himself than to the other “ _is that…_ ” squirrel turned to look at him “ _is that a sarcastic comment? That’s such an improvement! I feel proud!”_ The boy grinned, the monk rolled his eyes “ _shut up and eyes on the road”_ once he saw him turn, a smile cracked his lips, something about the way the boy said he’s proud of him made him feel, well, happy.

Then it was quiet again, Lancelot remembers the first scar he’s ever gotten, he cried, he wouldn’t keep quiet even after the many times Father Carden had warned him, with anger and frustration “ _we’ve already been over it boy, you should be happy that you’re alive, useful to our cause and our god, that you have a chance of redemption, enough with the weeping already!”_ he’d tell him, over and over again until he was bored _“you want to cry? Fine! I’ll give you something to cry about!”_ the man’s words were followed by his lash, the boy cried the whole night, he remembers he felt pain even though the pain itself was withering in his head.

_“Father Carden said pain is our anchor, whenever we do something wrong, we must punish ourselves, for a chance of redemption and forgiveness from God, sins are bad, and when you do something bad, you have to punish yourself or be punished, cleanse yourself from the sins and remind yourself not to do them again”_ Lancelot said softly, breaking the killing silence this time, _“so… Father Carden did those to you? My father would never do that! He said people who hurt their children are weak and balls less!”_ Lancelot blinked few times _“no, not all of them, I had to punish myself once I’m old enough”_ he admitted, _“I must purify my soul if I ever want to go to heaven”_ he added.

The boy looked at him clueless, unsure of how to react, _“but you’re a Fey, we don’t have heaven and hell, we believe in nature and the Hidden!”_ the boy protested _“anyone who_ _believes in the false gods go to hell”_ the monk explained, Percival remained quiet for a moment _“what’s hell?”_ the monk took a breath _“it’s a place where the sinners go, a place where they get what they deserve, it’s made of fire, and has endless torture, with demons and terrifying monsters”_ the monk tried to explain, leaving the unnecessary details Father had told him out of the conversation.

_“This conversation is endless torture”_ the boy mumbled, the monk scoffed, “ _and heaven is the opposite?_ ” the monk nodded, _“well, I think it’s bullshit”_ Squirrel exclaimed, the other looked at him beyond confused _“any god who allows his people to suffer in both life and eternity is no god worthy of worship! The Hidden just want us to be happy and be kind to another, but yours want you to suffer so in many years you might live in a fairy garden! after the worms eat your flesh! That doesn’t feel right!”_ thinking about it, maybe Percival had a point.

The two of them stumbled upon a small village by the night, _“look! That’s a tavern! We can stay for the night and shower! Oh you reek! And they can attend to your ug-”_ he glanced at Lancelot “ _horse_!” the monk gave him an approving nod, _“we can ask for directions too!”_ the boy added, Lancelot shook his head “ _we don’t have silver, they’ll kick us_ _out and it’s dangerous, someone might recognize me_ ” the monk mumbled, seeing how disappointed the boy was, the monk closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to reconnect with his surroundings “ _it’s not safe here_ ” he said and patted his horse to go the different way.

_“What? What does that mean? Can you feel something? Is someone coming?”_ the boy frowned, the monk nodded _“are they paladins? How many? We have to go and warn the_ _villagers_!” he shook his head _“this is not our fight”_ Squirrel took the leash and changed the direction back to the village, apparently even Goliath agreed “ _Percival! What are you_ _doing? We can’t fight them!”_ he tried to reason but to no avail, it was too late now.

The people gave them strange looks, focusing on the grey monk more than the child “ _the paladins are coming! You must hide!”_ Squirrel shouted as they rode through the village _“the paladins are here already boy, are you blind?_ ” a man spat as he looked at Lancelot, it didn’t take long before they tackled the injured monk off his horse, attempting for his life but Squirrel dismounted faster than them and stood in their way _“you’re fey kind right? He’s too! He’s one of us! He’s changed and we’re here to help!”_ Squirrel shouted but the others pushed him away, he stood between the men and Lancelot, who was glaring at them, a hand on his sword’s handle.

_“Boy move!_ ” one of them shouted, “ _no! You have to listen! The paladins are coming for you! We must hide or prepare! Believe me! We’re here to help!_ ” “ _he probably led them to_ _us_ ” one scoffed pointing his blade at the monk’s throat “ _he didn’t!_ ” Percival insisted, “ _please_ ” a word that no one would think the boy would ever say, an older man, stronger, looked at the pair “ _how long do we have?_ ” the man asked, his eyes focused on the monk “ _they’ll be here before the sun rises, gather your belongings and leave while you can,_ _we should all leave_ ” the monk replied, “ _how many?_ ” the man asked, “ _I don’t know, more than you, armed too_ ” he warned, “ _we don’t have anywhere else to go_ ” he stated.

_“Go find your kind, find the Queen of Fey, she’ll guarantee you protection_ ” Lancelot advised, the man laughed “ _haven’t you heard Monk? The Queen is dead”_ Percival was the next to shout at him _“you liar! Say that about her and I’ll cut off your tongue!”_ Lancelot reached for the boy, placing a hand on his arm _“we did our part, now let us go”_ Lancelot glared at the man, who simply motioned for the others to move out of the way, they all did, Lancelot struggled to get up on his own, everything hurt but the men didn’t need to know that “ _Percival, come on_ ” he called and motioned for the boy to mount the horse, but the boy simply froze with rage, and sadness, this was the first time the monk had seen him this quiet.

“ _Percival_ ” he shouted again, but the boy didn’t answer, as if he was in his own world, Nimue is dead, how could that even be possible, the monk walked over to him and placed a hand on his shoulder “ _Squirrel, we need to leave, now_ ” this was the very first time the monk calls him that, he hated it, but the boy took pride in that name, and if it would make him feel better in any way, the monk would do it, he nodded and climbed the horse, the monk did next “ _wait_ ” a woman shouted as she ran in their direction.

The two looked at her, waiting for an explanation, _“you’re Squirrel?_ ” she asked panting, the two looked at her confused, “ _y-yes_ ” the boy replied, she smiled joyfully “ _oh it all_ _makes sense now! The man didn’t ask for an actual squirrel! He was talking about this child!”_ the woman told the guy who spoke to them earlier “ _what_?” he asked, “ _the man!_ _The one who came to us two nights ago! Looking like filth, and refusing to speak! He came from the north, same as those two! They might recognize him!”_ she explained _“please! Follow me!_ ” the two of them looked at each other and decided to follow her, what’s the worst that could happen?

_“You’re the famous Weeping Monk? I’ve heard tales of you! I’m Lya, excuse my people, they used to be friendly but with everything that happened… with you know who, well, we had to adapt, we’re friendly people, you know? By the Hiddens this village used to be everyone’s favorite spot, to shop or simply change the scenery! Hey, why are you called the weeping? Is it true that you betrayed the paladins? Oh, you know what? You don’t have to answer! I’m sorry, I was told I’m a bit of a chatter myself!”_ the woman went on and on, only when the monk started to believe he’s doomed with a boy who could never shut up, this woman, comes to prove that there are worst cases out there, Percival, however, was quiet, _“anyways, here we are, don’t take it personally if he doesn’t speak, truth be told even getting him to move is a difficult task”_ she cleared her throat and opened the door to a small room.

It was warm, with enough light and a bed, Lancelot noticed, even a window, then he looked at the man who sat on a chair, his back to them, staring at the nothingness, he had a hand on the hem of his sword, he probably will lose the fight but at least he’d give Squirrel enough time to run, something didn’t feel right, Squirrel was the one to approach the man, “ _Percival_!” The monk whispered for him to stop but of course, the boy never listened, he shivered and not from coldness but the overwhelming feelings in the room, pain, suffering, lost, agony, whatever you’d call it, it was a dark cloud that would swallow them alive.


	3. The Reunited

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The two find a friend in mystery, but sometimes, reunions are not what they seem, and the night doesn't hide anything.

By the time he returned to his senses, Squirrel was tapping the man’s shoulder _“sire? Are you alright?”_ The boy asked, but the man didn’t answer, however, it didn’t satisfy Squirrel so instead, he walked until he stood right in front of him, the monk had his eyes on him the entire time, ready to strike, but something about the look on the boy’s face made him loosen his grip _“Oh thank the Hiddens!”_ The boy exclaimed _“it’s Gawain! It’s the Green Knight! Lancelot look! He survived!”_

The monk frowned, he remembered seeing the man’s corpse with his own eyes, how’s that even possible? The knight’s eyes shifted to the boy, he saw the big smile on Percival’s face, though the feelings he sensed earlier shifted into something slightly lighter, the boy hugged the knight and after moments of hesitation the knight embraced him “ _Squirrel_ ” he whispered, squirrel grinned and nodded _“yes! Yes! It’s the monk and me! He helped me escape! Oh, Gawain! There’s so much I wish to tell you! They’re spreading lies! They’re saying Nimue is dead and the fey kind is gone! I’m glad you remained alive!”_

The monk felt like an outsider, however, he knew the danger is near, this party of reunion must wait “ _Percival we must leave, now”_ the monk spoke as calm as he could be, “ _but_ _we can’t leave the Green Knight!”_ The boy protested _“then go fetch the horses”_ he told him, handing him one of his daggers, the boy nodded and ran to do as told, which was a first, leaving the two wounded by themselves.

Gawain was quiet and so was Lancelot, until the other attempted to help him rise from the wooden chair, Gawain flinched _“I know, we have to get going”_ the monk said understandingly, something the knight never thought he’d ever see from the Grey Monk _“I’ll only slow you down, take him and go”_ the knight ordered, refusing the help, the moment Lancelot let go of him the other fell, luckily the monk was fast enough to catch him before he hit the ground, even if it meant he reopened few wounds.

_“He wants you to join us, and he won’t leave without you, so shut up and help me, this place will be as good as dust in few hours, if you stay you’ll die”_ the monk said and placed his arms around Gawain in another attempt, this time the knight didn't refuse the help, struggling to get him to the door _“my legs are weak, I might as well die, but you,_ _you can fight”_ Gawain noted, the monk simply laughed, ironically he was as broken as the knight _“I’m not as invincible as I seem, I’m praying both, God and your Hiddens for the strength to climb my horse after safely help you to yours”_

Gawain looked at the monk, opened his mouth to say something but Squirrel was in sight, with two horses _“Lancelot, may I ride with the Green Knight please?”_ The monk nodded gladly, truth be told, he didn’t trust the knight to ride on his own anyway, he helped the boy climb the horse, then they both cooperated to help Gawain, finally, he climbed his beast and they rode.

Goliath was no normal horse, very smart and with a mind of his own, it only took him few seconds to dominate the other horse, and it only took him to feel Lancelot’s weight to take them to safety, Lancelot almost fell off his horse few times, without Squirrel to support his weight and look after him, eventually he tied himself to his beast to make sure he wouldn’t fall and cause even more damage if that's even possible.

The blood loss was draining him, his wounds felt numb but they never healed, and with their limited resources he was weak, vulnerable and would be easily taken down if anyone was to attack them, Gawain however, was a whole another case, with his wounds healing yet, it’s not what’s on his skin that they should worry about, it’s his brain, the things Lancelot could sense terrified him, it was like constant torture, it kept the knight in a state of emptiness and made the monk feel alerted all the time.

But on the other hand, Squirrel seemed fine, he kept rambling on, talking to the knight even though the other rarely replied, and for some reason, the boy seemed okay with his silence, if it was the monk who’d kept quiet the child would start calling him names, apparently, Lancelot failed in being his favorite as well.

With the Fey Queen gone and the Fey with an unknown fate, the man knew their best chance is to head to the docks as Squirrel had suggested, and once they’re safe, the monk would leave, he had no place among them.

The three rode until they stumbled upon a good place to rest, a cave near water, they could even start a fire there without being detected, they’ve been riding for more than a day, and not him nor the knight had the capacity to do it, the horses left to attend their needs and the three started their camp, Percival insisted that he’d hunt them a dinner, while Lancelot started the fire.

The two men sat across from each other, their gazes not meeting, both focused on the flame which the monk was grateful for, otherwise, the knight would see just how much pain he’s truly in _“he’s been gone for so long”_ Gawain muttered _“he’s fine, he has my bow and dagger”_ the monk assured him _“why did you help him?”_ The knight finally asked, the monk shrugged _“he is just a boy, he was no threat”_ he replied, _“I saw you dead”_ he added, the knight nodded _“I was dead”_

_“It’s a lie, you know? I saw no heaven or hell or Eternal Garden, when you die, you become nothing”_ he said after a moment, the monk listened to him, curious, confused, conflicted _“Nimue brought me back to life, she put me on a horse then I found myself in that village, I can tell you’re wondering, she gave me her strength to survive, and because of me she died”_ the sky man continued _“then… honor her by surviving”_

It was then when it hit Gawain, the monk knows, he knows what’s on his mind, he can read him, he knows just as much he’s suffering and it’s pathetic! _“I’ll go find Squirrel”_ Gawain said attempting to stand on his own, he failed terribly and cursed himself for it _“he’s near, just in the other side, he’s alone and joyful, don’t worry”_ the man assured him and leaned across the cold rocks.

It didn’t take Squirrel long to return with a bunch of things in his hand, fruits, a rabbit, and water which they drained almost instantly, Gawain took the responsibility of cooking the meat while Lancelot closed his eyes to rest, they’d be better off without him, he repeated to himself.

“ _Lancelot_ ” he saw the woman from his memories, she called his name with the warm smile, it was clearer, he can see her face, she had his eyes, same blue, but her hair was different, a darker shade, “ _Lancelot_ ” she’d say ever so sweetly, he’s never heard a woman speak this way, no one ever made him feel this safe “ _Lancelot_ ” the voice is different now, the monk frowned, feeling a gentle hand on his arm, his eyes are wide open now.

_“Finally! I’ve been trying to wake you up for hours!”_ Squirrel groaned, the displeasure was obvious on Lancelot’s face, the moment he was aware of his surroundings the tranquility from earlier disappeared, it was replaced by pain and fear instead, he’d cry if he was unseen but he wasn’t, Gawain must’ve noticed something was wrong, he immediately sent Squirrel to fetch more water as the panicked look appeared on the monk’s face.

He struggled to reach to him, placing a hand on his _“hey, brother look at me, you’re alright”_ Gawain said but the words flew right of his ears, the monk closed his eyes shut, if he squeezed them enough he’d stop himself from crying, or so he hoped, _“Lancelot! Look at me!”_ Gawain shouted louder, the monk swallowed thickly but obeyed, his eyes filled with tears _“you’re okay”_ perhaps it was the first time ever since they reunited that he couldn’t sense Gawain’s darkness, instead he felt his deep concern “take a deep breath” the knight ordered, Lancelot, of course, obeyed, like a good pet, he'd always obey.

_“I’m sorry”_ the monk mumbled, wiping his eyes, the knight nodded _“nothing to apologize for”_ truth, Lancelot wished he had his lash to punish himself for being so pitiful, but he didn’t, he’d find a way to do it though, he must cleanse himself from weakness.

Percival returned with water _“here’s your water Green knight!”_ He exclaimed “ _thank_ _you_ ” the knight assured him with a smile and took a sip before tossing it to Lancelot, Squirrel frowned at his sight _“you look like crap”_ Gawain raised a brow at him _“you probably need to bathe, I bet you’d feel better when you do”_ the boy shrugged then sat nearby, he could use a bath though, he probably reeks.

The three ate their meal, the two men hadn’t spoken of what happened earlier, it made Lancelot both anxious and glad, then they all rested, well, Gawain and Squirrel did, Lancelot decided to take the chance and bathe, he walked out of the cave and looked at the lake, it was too dark, no one would notice how ugly he is if he undresses now, he slowly peeled off his clothes and Squirrel’s magical leafs then got into the freezing water.

The calmness was nice and so is the cold water, now the only thing remaining is that he takes away his sins, he looked around until he found a fallen branch, he took it and damaged his already damaged back until the pain became nothing, until his body became numb, until his brain stopped working, and his eyes dried out of tears.

When Lancelot was balanced again he turned around to reach for his clothes, only to find a speechless Gawain sitting next to them, he frowned, how could a fey sneak on the monk who's trained to sense everything? wishing the earth would split into halves and eat him alive _“why aren’t you asleep?”_ The monk whispered, praying that the darkness unrevealed anything and that Gawain noticed nothing _“I was worried”_ the other replied _“how long have you been here?”_ The monk asked again ashamed _“long enough to ask_ _what the fuck is wrong with you?!”_ The other whisper-shouted.

The monk looked down without saying a word, the other stayed quiet as well _“get out of the water”_ he ordered, the other complied, standing in front of him naked as the day he was born, his eyes not leaving the ground, he tried to reach for his clothes but Gawain stopped him _“after I see how bad it is, now help me up”_ the monk nodded embarrassed, he picked up his clothes and supported Gawain back to the cave.

They kept quiet, both sitting down, Gawain using the light of the fire to examine the wounds, both old and new _“by the Hiddens! Why would you do this?”_ He whispered as he reached for Squirrel’s magical herbs and started mixing them until they were a squished bunch _“I’m cleansing my soul”_ the monk mumbled, Gawain ignored him and applied the herbs, causing him to wince _“your soul? Then help someone in need! You’re hurting yourself!”_ Gawain said angrily but keeping his voice in check, the last thing they needed is for them to wake Squirrel, the monk gulped _“I’m sorry”_ he whispered “ _you’re apologizing to me? For hurting yourself? You should be apologizing to yourself!”_ The other exclaimed _“I’m only washing away my mistakes”_

_“and what mistake did you make to deserve this in the past few hours?”_ Gawain asked, **I showed weakness** , the monk wanted to say but instead, he remained quiet, he knew when someone was upset with him he should always remain quiet and take it, it took him few moments to understand it was about earlier _“you’ve done nothing wrong,_ _Lancelot, at least not by showing a feeling, we’re raised to be strong but everyone deserves a moment to break and recollect”_ the knight said softly, his anger disappeared, placed with worry instead _“I’m not everyone_ ” the other replied _“you suffered more than anyone”_ Gawain said gently.

_“You can’t keep doing that, it’s unhealthy and we need you”_ he added as he traced the last wound, _“I’ll be fine”_ the monk insisted _“no one’s fine after what happened, I know I’m_ _not_ ” the monk turned to look at him _“what? Surprised? I know you’ve been sensing it, you haven’t looked at me ever since we reunited, and if you do it’s only to make sure I didn’t lose my mind and throw myself off the horse, I cannot walk either, I’m useless”_ the knight gave him a little sad smile “ _it’s not true”_ the other whispered.

_“You can’t keep hurting yourself like this_ ” he said completely ignoring the monk, he wasn't going to argue his uselessness now, not when his companion needed him _“all bad_ _deeds must be punished”_ the monk replied _“then… find me and I’ll punish you in a way that doesn’t leave you bleeding”_ Lancelot looked at him confused, _“now put on your_ _clothes, and come, we earned ourselves a little rest before the docks”_ Lancelot nodded and did as he was asked, he’d always do as he’s asked, he’s good, and perhaps in his mind, he accepted that Gawain was the new form of authority, and his wishes were his commands now and for some reason, it made him feel safer.


	4. The Outsider

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The three companions traveled to safety and grew closer each day, Lancelot and Gawain bonded and the Monk started to feel slightly jealous all remaining strong, but when the night comes, they let their guards down.

They were awakened by Squirrel shaking them, telling them it’s time to leave if they’d want to reach the docks by tomorrow’s morning, every day they remained on this land was a risk, Lancelot had his head laying on Gawain’s leg and the other had a hand on his shoulder, Squirrel didn’t pay much attention but once the men woke up they recalled yesterday, when the monk saw that his ways may not be correct, and when the knight realized that maybe, he cared about the man, and that both of them, found a sense of unexpected comfort in each other.

The three of them rode together, Squirrel with the Knight, the two whispered and talked to each other, it was strange how the man who wasn’t speaking to anyone a few days ago seemed more like his old self, calm and somehow forgot about his pain, it was a relief, that he rested from those dark thoughts even for a bit, Lancelot was glad, he hated how tortured the Fey was, and even though no one said a word to him but he was glad.

He kept going back to yesterday in his mind, for years he’s been the strongest, never breaking, and now, he’s a mess, perhaps it’s the loss of his permanent home, of the man who raised him and everything he’s ever believed in, it was pathetic, how weak he is, how he needed assurance from a child and now a cripple as well, how they had to look after him, him! The weeping monk who made everyone tremble at the mention of his name! 

He pitied himself for the man he’d became, _“Lancelot?”_ he heard a familiar voice snapping him out of his thoughts, he frowned, and looked at the other horse _“and just when I_ _thought you can’t possibly frown any more than you already were!”_ Squirrel commented, the monk looked down, a little embarrassed _“which season do you prefer? Winter,_ _summer, spring, or autumn?”_ Squirrel asked anyways, the monk shrugged, he never had a chance to think about it before. 

He liked them all, he liked the winter and how the earth is filled with white snow, hiding all the green under, he hated the cold though, how it always made him freeze, when he was younger he’d beg Father Carden for a cloak or thicker clothes but it’d only gain him more beating, or he’d lock him in one of the dark dungeons, he hated those dungeons, he still has nightmares about the sound of the mice and the dripping water, he hated the darkness, and therefore, Winter wasn’t his favorite season.

He hated summer too, all the weight of his clothes made him constantly feeling the heat, he hated how the bugs would follow him, but he loved the beautiful roses and how green everything was, he loved how that season was filled with life, but he wouldn’t pick it as a favorite.

Autumn saddened him, he hated how the trees would die, it reminded him much of the paladins’ work and how they take something so beautiful and rip the life out of it, leaving spring, it wasn’t cold nor warm, there are flowers and beautiful nature, spring was his season “ _Spring_ ” he finally announced after what seemed like forever, the two were already on another subject they simply looked at him _“good choice”_ Gawain praised, Lancelot didn’t say or do anything but deep down he was happy, for some reason, he enjoyed the feeling of saying the right thing and being praised for it _“well it sucks, mine is summer”_ Squirrel commented, Gawain rolled his eyes and slapped the back of his head _“boy you’ll be the death of me”_ the boy rubbed his neck, letting out a protesting whimper, the monk watched them amused.

Knowing well that he’d never have a spontaneous relationship like those two, knowing he'd never be as good as Gawain, he felt out of place _“What about your favorite animal_ _aside from your horse?”_ Squirrel asked, the monk frowned, he knew those were normal questions yet it was so hard to think of an answer for them, he never had a chance to think them through, he froze, struggling to find an answer to the simplest question, Gawain noticed _“why don’t you keep your eyes on the road and keep your mouth shut?”_ The boy growled but did as he’s told, for five minutes at least.

Eventually, Squirrel fell asleep, the knight took the leash and had a firm hold of the boy, the two men rode quietly into the night _“can I ask you for a favor?”_ The knight broke their silence, the monk looked at him _“he… doesn’t know, that I can’t walk, can you not tell him yet? I don’t wish to disappoint him”_ the monk nodded _“he’d never be_ _disappointed by you, he thinks of you as a saint”_ he said softly, jealous but that didn’t matter, jealously is a sin anyway _“then you haven’t been paying attention”_ the monk looked at him confused, he wasn’t paying attention yes but did he miss something? _“He speaks highly of you”_ the knight explained, gaining a little smile from the monk.

_“I think this is the very first time I see you smile”_ the knight smiled back, the monk blushed slightly, _“I’m sorry”_ he said out of habit _“There’s nothing wrong with that, Monk”_ the knight replied, he solely nodded, was that how the rest of his life would be? Seeking validation from anyone who beholds a strong character while embarrassing himself by not knowing how to react correctly?

_“What’s on your mind?”_ The knight asked, the monk looked at him nervously “ _nothing_ ” he mumbled _“well, you seem to be lost in your ‘nothingness’ a lot, you’ve barely spoken, are you alright?”_ He wasn’t sure how to answer that question neither _“just say the first thing on your mind, it's alright I promise”_ the knight encouraged but it was useless, truth be told, Lancelot still felt like it was a trap and he'd get punished for speaking bluntly, he'd tell him that he's only figuring himself out, it's on the tip of his tongue but it was so difficult.

_“Everything is new, having an opinion, an answer, it’s been so long since I’ve done that, I’m not like you”_ he said after few moments _“I’m well aware, and you don’t have to be like_ _me_ , _you can simply be you and that's more than enough, you're not as terrible as you think you are"_ he paused for a few seconds _"I suppose I’m just concerned about your_ _well being at the moment”_ Gawain shrugged it off like it was nothing “ _why_?” the monk asked, _“you’re one of us now, the three runaways”_ Gawain smiled, the rest of the road was filled with little chats, empty conversations as the time passed by, now he understands why Squirrel is so fond of The Green Knight, it was hard not to like the man.

By the time they arrived at the docks both men were exhausted, Squirrel had just woken up so he had more energy than them, they didn’t know where to go, with no money they barely had any option, but a Norse ship agreed on taking them in exchange of Gawain’s horse, and of course work on the ship which Squirrel volunteered for, they climbed the ship, Lancelot was anxious for having to keep Goliath on another part of the ship, the horse hated being tied and locked, and Lancelot hated how they had to be apart, he was his only friend for so long.

The two men sat at the back of the ship, they had no money so they earned no room, instead, they were sleeping with the servants of the ship, and they’d sleep in turns, not because anyone would rob them but because the three of them had been through so much that being around this many people stressed them out more than anything.

Strange faces, a language they didn’t understand, no one talked to them, it’s a common myth that Fey is bad luck on a ship, the Vikings avoided them unless it was necessary, Lancelot felt more comfortable around the two, he began to join them in their conversations, even if it was to say few lines, and he definitely bonded with Gawain, since the other was relying on him for movement for the meantime, and he was relying on him for support.

Four days it took the trip, the waves were steady and calm, once they dismounted the ship, Lancelot went seeking his beast, the black horse that’s Goliath, he smiled and patted his head, placing his hand on the horse’s forehead, a familiar feeling they’d both enjoy _“I’m sorry old friend, we had no other choice, I know I promised not to take away your_ _freedom but your survival was important”_ he whispered, the other neighed angrily, _“I’m sorry, I can’t have you mad at me, please”_ Lancelot whispered again, looking at him with pleading eyes, the other replied with a softer neigh “ _thank you_ ” he mumbled and patted him again.

Then the two reunited with the others, Lancelot helped Gawain climb and walked beside the horse, Squirrel was with Gawain of course, by now, Lancelot understood the two would always be stuck to each other, they had too much history together, they walked in this strange land, cold, was all that Lancelot could sense, he disliked coldness, it brought back too many unpleasant memories, he was lost in his own thoughts as he walked, which isn’t as good as doing it while he rode because the next thing he knew that he bumped into someone and then both had their weapons pointed at each other.

He stared at his nemesis, a beautiful blonde woman, her eyes were piercing blue, like he’s never seen before _“se hvor du skal svake!”_ the woman shouted, Lancelot furrowed his brows in confusion _“senk sverdet ditt, ellers kjorer jeg halsen”_ the woman shouted again, but now a man of the same features joined them ready to fight, _“we don’t understand_ _you, you fools!”_ Squirrel was the first to speak of their group, the woman looked at the boy then at the two men, inspecting them carefully, she lowered her ax and so did the monk.

_“You are not of us, no?”_ she asked, Gawain nodded _“we’re not from here, we definitely didn’t mean to insult or upset you”_ the woman’s gaze fixed on Lancelot’s birthmarks, the weeping eyes _“where are you going?_ ” she questioned, _“it's too early to say”_ Gawain replied again, the monk took few steps back, protectively next to Gawain and Squirrel, she smiled “ _well, can you farm?”_ they looked puzzled at each other, Squirrel nodded _“Yes! We had a farm back home! And Gawain is a bit sick but Lancelot is really strong, we can farm miss”_

_“great, Sharp-tongue. Then you come home with us, work for your living, we have an empty room, you can stay"_ she looked at the man with her who nodded in agreement, then looked back at the feys _“that’s very kind of you miss, are you sure though? we don't wish to burden you”_ it was Gawain who spoke now, _“I'm certain, and I’m no miss, I Gunvor,_ _the fierce and my brother Leif the quiet”_ she introduced, the man waved, _“I’m Gawain, and those are Squirrel and Lancelot”_ he introduced back.

The five walked for a day before reaching an isolated farm, it didn’t have as many vegetables and fruits as the one in Squirrel’s home, only a few plants grew, there were some animals too, a cow, and goats, and a chicken, a sole house stood there, made of wood, strong material, bigger than the boy expected, the five walked in and Leif started a fire, they shared a meal and ale and agreed tomorrow they’d start their quest of getting this farm running again.

The next morning the five woke up, had their meal then Lancelot, Leif and Squirrel attended their duties while Gawain and Gunvor remained in the household, Gunvor cleaning, Gawain sitting and feeling as useless as ever, _“why you’re not out there?”_ Gunvor asked as she dusted, _“my legs don’t work well”_ he replied _“how come?”_ she frowned, stopping to look at him _“I have the paladins to thank for that”_ he shrugged it off like a normal subject _“not Christian enough?”_ Gunvor asked, “ _not human enough”_ Gawain replied.

_“Oh, you are the Fey folks who mounted our ship! I hear Fey are great farmers, I thank you for not drowning us”_ she laughed after a moment, Gawain smiled and nodded at her _“our pleasure”_ she handed him a bowl of vegetables _“I sympathize but even you have to earn your living, helping with the kitchen doesn’t require legs_ ” he nodded and got into cutting the sweet potatoes peeling them, then cutting them into smaller pieces for a soup, the woman returned to her work, as quiet as she could be, humming a melody, once she was done she joined the knight, both sitting down across from the fire _“we have a story about a cripple here, Ivar the boneless, have you heard of him?”_

Gawain shook his head no, “ _Well, some say Ivar was unable to walk or stand, that his bones would break and shatter, he was looked down at by the gods, but Ivar, he was determined, he wanted to feast with the gods, so he worked his mind, became the best strategist, defeated the christens over and over, he’s a legend around here”_ she said softly, Gawain nodded _“he seems like a true hero”_ , _“everyone’s a hero in someone’s story, so what’s yours?”_ Gawain frowned.

_“Just a fay traveling with his companions”_ he said with whatever so little _“and how did you meet your companions? And yes it’s an odd group that you have, the one with war paint and the child don’t really fit into what a man like you”_ he sighed, well, he’d tell her the true story but he didn’t want to get into details with someone he doesn’t quite trust yet _“the boy and I are sole survivors of our village, and Lancelot was… he was kept by the paladins for years and once he escaped he helped us escape”_ he said with so little interest in going further in details, she didn't need to know he was The Green Knight, nor that Lancelot is The Weeping Monk, his eyes fixed on the fire as it cooked their soup.

_“He’s an odd one, Lancelot, you know that right? He’s barely spoken to anyone but his horse, always to himself, he seems like he’s constantly sad”_ she commented, gaining a slight glare from the knight, Lancelot was odd but not by choice, and he didn’t appreciate how she had an interest in their lives _“speaks the sister of the man named the Quiet”_ Gawain didn’t know why he felt like he had to defend the monk or why he got protective, but he’s praying for the Hiddens that she doesn’t count it as an insult and kick them out _“My brother can’t speak, since birth, Loki cursed him and took his voice, my mother said she prayed for an easy child, that won’t weep and keep her up all night, but she prayed in the darkness where Loki heard instead of Frejya”_

She explained, Gawain was confused by the Norse gods, there were too many, and he wasn’t able to memorize them all, he remained quiet _“Lancelot’s been with the paladins_ _for his life, only the Hiddens know what they did to him, he’s new to everything but he's trying his best”_ he finally admitted “ _it’s a french name_ ” the woman mumbled, was it possible that the monk was taken from France? He never thought of him as someone who had a family before, a home and origins, to him, he’s just Lancelot.

The three reunited with them and they all soon sat and ate their meal, the rest of the evening was uneventful, very quiet until the three Faes headed to bed, Gunvor was generous enough to provide them with two beds, one that Gawain and squirrel occupied while the other remained for Lancelot, he wasn’t sure how he felt about it though, he liked his space but he also hated how he’s being left out, both Gawain and squirrel seemed cozy.

Once he closed his eyes and drifted to sleep he sensed her, the woman from his dreams “ _Lancelot_ ” she’d say, so sweetly, the monk lived for the glimpse of hope and happiness that woman provided, “ _Lancelot_ ” she’d repeat, but this time, he was well-rested, he noticed the stress in her voice “ _Lancelot_ ” the last was more of a scream than a comforting sound, he frowned, his heart racing faster, “ _Lancelot run!_ ” She screamed, then the green behind her turned into yellow, then it was the color of fire, and the trees were replaced with red from the Paladins’ robes, and he was locked in that dungeon, begging father to get him out but all he could hear was the mice and the water drops, one was approaching, it attacked him, his eyes are wide open his cheeks were wet.

He suffocated his sobs into the fur, the one thing that made him feel safe was robbed that easily, he felt a hand on his shoulder, and turned to look at the source, Gawain, of course, it was him, the knight frowned a little at his state, he brushed away his tears and the other simply allowed him, his eyes were red, filled with sadness “ _move_ ” the knight whispered and the other did as told, the knight laid down beside him and pulled him between his arms.

At first, the monk remained still, shocked by his action but then he gave in, he was too desperate for any gentle interaction, that he gave in and cried into the knight’s chest to what seemed like forever, the other only whispering comforting words into his ears until they both fell asleep in each other’s arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excuse my very poor Norwegian language, I blame it on google translate!   
> Also, in my head, Lancelot is a softie so I'm sorry if he seems out of the character a little...  
> and as usual, let me know what do you think about this chapter and what do you think should happen next!


	5. The Troubled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lancelot gets his very first punishment, and suffer from many emotional improvements and relapses, while Gawain questions his role as the leader of this broken family, and Squirrel learns a thing or two.

The morning eventually came, the monk was the first to wake up, strange, it was usually Squirrel to wake them up, shifting a little, making Gawain wake up as well “ _good_ _morning_ ” the knight yawned “ _morning_ ” the other replied, it took him a moment to recall what happened yesterday, he frowned, with embarrassment “ _I’m sorry_ ” he muttered _“you’ve done nothing wrong”_ the knight assured him sleepily but this time, it didn’t take his guilt away _“but I did!”_ The monk protested _“but you didn’t”_ Gawain replied calmly _“but I did”_ he replied, now that Gawain thinks about it, Lancelot can be as childish as Percival sometimes, and way more stubborn “ _alright_ ”

The monk looked at him confused _“you’ll punish me?”_ The knight shrugged _“isn’t it what you want?”_ The monk looked at him worried, for a moment but he nods, he woke him up last night, he showed wretched emotions and he kept him awake that he’s tired today “ _your_ _punishment_ _is_ …” Gawain thought for a moment, the monk waited anxiously “ _you’ll_ _help_ _me_ _bathe at the lake today after finishing all of your tasks”_ the other pouted, Gawawin thought it's adorable but he wouldn't say that out loud _“that’s it?”_ Gawain nodded _“that’s it”_

He nodded, confused, he should be hitting him instead, yelling at him, torturing him, how could he simply let him go that easily? He deserved pain, _“Hey, look at me”_ Gawain interrupted his thoughts, Lancelot looked at him, the other caressed his cheek _“it’s okay”_ he whispered, perhaps his pathetic acts made Gawain think of him as a weak wimp who couldn’t handle more, that’s why he’s going easy on him _“we made a deal”_ Gawain warned as if he could read his mind _“I know, sorry”_ it’s true, they made a deal and if Gawain thinks he’s too petty for an actual punishment then he probably is, Gawain knows better.

They eventually left the bed and ran their errands, Gawain helping in the kitchen and the others in the field, Leif and Lancelot seemed to get along well, they haven’t spoken anything to each other but they understood each other just fine and they both kept an eye on Percival to make sure he’s okay, truth be told, Gawain felt jealous, he wanted to understand Lancelot without words and vice versa, it took one look from Leif for Lancelot to exactly know that he must attend the animals and it takes hours of talking for Lancelot to understand that Gawain isn't mad at him and sometimes, he refused to believe it.

When Lancelot finished his work he returned to the cottage, he helped Gawain up and they walked on foot to the water’s source, the knight sat down and undressed, the other helped him into the shallow water, Lancelot joined him shortly after, he helped him clean, both staying quiet for most of the time, the knight hated to admit it but he hated how dependent he is on the monk, how he can’t do the simplest tasks like walking to take a bath, he wondered if the other felt the same, they’ve seen each other naked too many times by now it became too familiar and comfortable, both men were glad, the awkwardness had passed.

Gawain’s eyes focused on the other’s body, inspecting any new scars, thankfully there weren’t any, the monk felt unsettled knowing Gawain’s eyes were on him, “ _do you want to_ _talk about what happened?”_ Gawain finally broke his silence, the monk's face stiffened as he tried to hide his shame _“nothing happened”_ he said _“are you sure? You don’t seem_ _very well-rested lately”_ he noted, the other nervously looked down, cleaning the dirt off of his body “ _It’s just a dream_ ” he insisted “ _I’m sorry”_ the monk whispered _“you don’t_ _have to be, Lancelot, I talk to you about these things because I'm worried, not because I'm upset"_

_“It’s…”_ he took a deep breath, he hated how difficult it was for him, it's Gawain for crying out loud, he's seen the man in the most intimate situations and already proved he's good and that he cares, it shouldn't be that difficult _“I keep seeing this woman, she looks like me, she smiles at me, she calls my name, then she disappears, and I’m taken and everything becomes a horror”_ he said softly, the knight pushed himself into the shore, putting his clothes back on, the other shortly joined him, wrapping himself in his cloak once he was dressed _“it’s a dream or a memory...”_ the knight suggested, he shrugged _“have you ever been to Francia before?”_ The monk looked confused and shook his head no.

_“Gunvor thinks it’s where you come from”_ the monk shrugged it off, it made sense, maybe, he heard tales of how ash folks used to live there, there were many of them but after a raid on their villages they’ve left to other countries, only a few remained or so what the paladins’ scrolls say, _“maybe that woman’s your family”_ he shrugged again, maybe, “ _we_ _can go someday if you’d like”_ the monk remained quiet, why would he want to return there? He betrayed his people, he won’t be welcomed with open arm.

_“Come on, let’s go inside, I’m sure everyone’s waiting for us”_ the monk nodded and help him inside, they ate, drank, sat together then slept.

They loved the farm, it was safe and Gunvor and Leif grew to be a family of theirs, Gunvor would tell them tales of her people and Gawain would share his, sometimes they’d ask Lancelot about Christianity, rarely, he’d tell them of what Father Carden had told them but make it less terrifying, Gawain was better, he can walk on his own with a crutch but still, it gave him a sense of independence, and the monk learned that not everything is a bad thing, he tried his best not to constantly apologize.

They were happy, days didn’t matter, they passed so effortlessly, it’s been weeks, the weather’s colder now, once the storms started the chorus were cut to half, most of the time they spent inside, besides the few times they’d go to the markets.

Tonight was stormy, thunder and lightning, the three were in their side of the house, trying to sleep, while the Vikings were celebrating, praising Thor, Squirrel was restless, Gawain could feel him almost jump whenever he heard the thunder, Lancelot could sense his distress, Gawain sighed _“boy what’s the matter with you? Stay still!”_ He grumbled, the boy mumbled something underneath his breath, neither of the men heard it.

_“You’re scared of thunder?”_ Gawain asked amazed, the boy seemed fearless, he once wanted to take the paladins by himself, a storm should be nothing, the monk gave Gawain a look, Squirrel said nothing, Gawain sighed, pulling the boy between his arms “ _it’s okay if you are scared, everyone has something to fear_ ” he said softly “ _not true, you and_ _Lancelot are fearless”_

_“That’s false, I’m always afraid, of death, of being attacked, of many... many things!”_ he said softly caressing the boy’s hair, Lancelot joined them on their side of the room, feeling more comfortable around the faes _“there used to be a cell, where I was raised, dark, cold and filled with all kind of rodents, it still terrifies me”_ he mumbled softly, Squirrel looked at them both, his eyes shining, _“Lancelot, why don’t you bring your bed? Let’s have a sleep party”_ Gawain suggested, the monk did as he’s told, and the three laid down, Squirrel in the middle of them.

Closing his eyes shut whenever he hears the thunder “ _how did you choose Goliath as your horse?_ ” Gawain asked, mainly to distract the boy, he always was more curious about the man who kept to himself “ _I_ …” the monk started then took a pause, Gawain gave him an encouraging look _“after I passed all of my training, Father Carden rewarded me, he took me to the stable and told me to pick any horse that I want, I was around your age, all the horses would play and make noises but Goliath stood, staring at me, and that one horse tried to bite my hand but Goliath screamed at him, he had my back, so I picked him, and ever since then we were inseparable, he is my only friend and he understands me well”_

Now for everyone, this was just a story but for Gawain, this was the first time he hears Lancelot talking about something without trying to shorten it or take pauses to recollect himself, to Squirrel it was the first time he hears Lancelot say this many sentences at once, and to Lancelot, it was the first time he’s spoken of himself, of a memory he has.

_“I’m sorry I called your horse ugly before, I was just angry at you”_ squirrel mumbled, the thunder stroke again but this time, Squirrel was too focused on the monk _“it’s okay, he_ _forgives you”_ he gave him the slightest smile, it wasn’t too strange to see the monk smile nowadays _“and you’re not ugly either nor an idiot_ ” he added, the monk frowned a little, he was both, he’d accepted the fact that he was both a long time ago, he had the scars on his body to show how ugly he is, and the actions of his past to prove how much of an idiot he is and if anything he deserves to be beaten and hurt, but Gawain wouldn’t do it or let him do it.

_“Lancelot?_ ” It was Gawain now who spoke, sending the monk out of his head “ _yeah_?” He said softly _“you’re doing it again_ ” the knight remarked “ _doing what?_ ” He mumbled _“dragging yourself into darkness, you’re not a bad person and you’ve done nothing wrong today”_ he assured him, yes, even after all this time the monk still needed assurances from the knight who was now his emotional guardian _“I did so many terrible things”_ he whispered softly, avoiding to look at either of them _“you had no choice, you were little and we all do things to survive, Lancelot, you’re not a terrible person”_

Gawain caressed the monk’s cheek who leaned into his touch, closing his eyes for a moment, it was so familiar to him, the knight’s gentle touch, he keens for it, a result of the many nights he’d spent sleeping in his arms, for some reason, the crippled was his comfort and Gawain knew it _“why don’t you get some sleep? You’ll have plenty of work_ _tomorrow, you could use the rest”_ he nodded and closed his eyes, it took him minutes to fall asleep, Squirrel was the next, but Gawain, he stayed up to make sure everyone was okay.

They grew this habit, if they needed any emotional support they’d go running to Gawain and listen to him, apparently he’s the stable one, the one both looked up to, he tried to help as much as he can, he learned how to handle most of the situations, he’d learned Lancelot needed to be assured, to be told he’s doing well, he’s never been on his own before, he needs to feel someone’s in charge or else he’d be a mess, it’s the familiarity that comforted him even though Gawain tries his best to show him that he’s more than capable of being his own person in an indirect way.

Meanwhile, Squirrel was a lot of work, he gets distracted too easily, Gawain has to remind him that he has work to do, he argues a lot, by the time the day’s ended Gawain would get a headache, he’s too frank, Gawain would have to smack his head whenever he says something stupid, and when he’s upset he throws the biggest tantrum, and when he’s scared, which is very rare he needs someone to distract him back into falling asleep, it feels like Gawain just fathered two children most of the days, he has to always be strong for them, they counted on him.

Lancelot’s been more restless, both Gunvor and Leif told Gawain, he always looks out of place, he’s always tired now, Gawain had noticed him being awake whenever he wakes up at night for few nights in a row, he was growing worried, he asked him about it but Lancelot didn’t wish to speak, and he knew he’d tell him at his own terms, today Gawain and Squirrel helped in the kitchen, while everyone else attended other courses.

_“What the fuck is wrong with Lancelot?”_ this time it was Squirrel asking, the knight sighed _“boy what did I tell you about cursing?”_ he was so done, he had this conversation with him thousands of times by now _“not to do it”_ Squirrel replied _“and what are you doing now?”_ the knight raised an eyebrow at him _“doing it”_ it took Squirrel a moment to realize, letting a soft **oh** _“sorry”_ he mumbled, both peeling off potatoes _“but what’s wrong with him? Did he tell you something? He seems… well, fucked up”_ the boy gained a smack at the back of his head.

_“Next time I’ll make you sleep in the barn”_ the knight warned as the boy rubbed the back of his head _“I don’t know what’s wrong with him though, maybe he’s not getting_ _enough sleep”_ he shrugged _“well fix it, I liked him better when he looked slightly happy!”_ Squirrel requested, the older raised an eyebrow at him _“that’s not how it works”_ , _“you’re the Green Knight, you can do anything if you set your mind to it”_ he shook his head no _“I was the Green Knight, you mean”_ the boy frowned _“then what are you now?”_ the man shrugged _“just Gawain I suppose”_

Gawain never really thought of what he is now, he’s no knight anymore, he can’t stand and wield a sword, he uses crutches to go from a place to another, he’s not the great invincible knight anymore, he was just Gawain and it’s been so long since he last was that person he barely remembers how to be him, Squirrel shrugged _“well, Gawain is pretty_ _awesome too”_ the former knight laughed “ _boy how do you do that? You make me so angry then say something like that_ ” the boy grinned _“I have a talent for it”_ the knight smiled _“well, use your talents to go easy on Lancelot, he’s just as hurt as all of us”_

And with that they returned to work, they had only so little time to prepare a meal before the others joined.

Days had passed and the former monk didn’t look any better, everyone grew worried about him, everyone begged Gawain to speak to him but the monk avoided Gawain as much as possible, he didn’t even return to their chamber as much before, he’d wait for Squirrel to fall asleep then sneaked out, if Gawain had his legs working he’d sneak behind him and put a stop to it but he didn’t and so the shady actions remained until one day the knight had enough.

The monk did his routine of sneaking out, what was out of place is the knight and his crutches following him, ignoring the mud and how the cold made him ache, he followed, he knew the monk could sense him but both ignored it, Gawain guessed that whatever he was hiding, he's finally ready to open up to him, Lancelot walked into the barn and closed the door behind, Gawain waited for few minuets, until he couldn't stand anymore then he barged in, opened the door and followed him inside.

He saw Lancelot cloakless, shirtless, with his arms wrapped around his horse’s neck as the other laid on the ground, at first he thought something was wrong with Goliath then he realized that something was wrong with Lancelot, he sat down on the cold ground across from them, his crutches by his side, Lancelot didn’t bother to look at him, he had his head buried into his companion’s neck.

He hid his body into his horse, but then Goliath betrayed him and showed Gawain just what his monk was up to, his eyes filled with rage, Gawain inspected the newly open wounds, marks of a leash all over the monk’s back again! The monk buried himself deeper into his horse’s neck as he sensed it, refusing to look at him or show him exactly how much of a mess he is.

_“By the Hiddens Lancelot!”_ The fey grumbled, moving closer, Goliath neighed, making him stop immediately _“Lancelot, look at me when I talk to you!”_ He demanded, the other struggled, he wanted to look at him, he’s never disobeyed Gawain or denied any of his requests but also he wanted to avoid him, he doesn’t want to see how much exactly the other is disappointed in him _“Lancelot! Look at me!”_ He said it in a harsher tone, the other immediately flinched and looked at him, still holding tightly into his beast.

_“What on-“_ the knight started but stopped mid-sentence, the moment he realized the tears on the monk’s blue eyes, they looked like an ocean, a beautiful one, reminded him of his folks as blue was their color, his face softened as he looked at him, forgetting instantly all of his rage, however, the blond was another story, he looked at him terrified.

_“I’m sorry”_ came out of the brunet’s mouth, it only made him realize that Lancelot viewed him as a figure of power, a replacement for Father Carden, and Father Carden would hurt him after showing displeasure and anger, and he showed both, probably sending the other into a loop of unpleasant memories _“Lancelot I’m sorry! I’m not mad at you I_ _promise”_ he sighed and tried to move closer, Goliath’s eyes were focused on him, as if he was waiting for an excuse to kick him in the face, but luckily the knight gave him none.

He placed his hand on Lancelot’s arm, as if he’s touching the most fragile glass in the world, he’s never seen him like this before, sure, he's seen him cry before, he's held him as he sobbed as well but Gawain could swear that the monk was showing a new level of melancholy! As if he’s dealing with his all of his past traumas, all at once now that he’s free of the paladins’ grip, Lancelot took a deep breath, desperate to calm himself down _“it’s okay, I’m not going to hurt you”_ the knight assured him but it didn’t seem enough for the monk, maybe Gawain had ruined what they had after all. 

_“Please, say something” t_ he knight begged, the other just closed his eyes _“I’m okay go to sleep”_ he managed to say with so little energy he had, his voice weak, and shaky _“Lancelot, you’re far from okay, what happened? Please talk to me!”_ He pleaded but the other only closed his eyes more, how his anger was now replaced with pure concern!

The looked at him, he opened his mouth a few times but nothing came out, Gawain stared at him and waited patiently but after few minutes it was clear to him that even if the other wanted to tell him he’s unable to word them _“okay, okay, I’ll ask what happened and you just nod when I get it right! Can we do that?”_ The monk nodded, Gawain patted his arm and moved closer so he’s now sitting next to him, at first the Monk backed away, but after reminding himself, it was Gawain and Gawain would never hurt him, he eased slightly “ _did someone say something to upset you?”_ The monk didn’t move or say anything _“alright, did something happen that upset you? Something physical?”_ He gained nothing once again _“you’re not able to sleep, so… is it a dream that’s upsetting you?”_

The monk hesitated then slowly nodded, Gawain felt like a victor _“is it about that woman you’ve told me about?”_ The monk clenched into Goliath’s neck even more _“is it… a_ _memory of the past?”_ The monk nodded again _“all those people… I killed them, they were innocent”_ he whispered, the fey knight placed a hand on his damaged back, rubbing the unwounded spots to comfort him _“you had no choice”_ his voice softened _“I could’ve fought harder or killed myself, if I did, many people would’ve survived… including yours”_ Gawain shook his head no _“if it wasn’t you, it’d be someone else”_

He sighed _“Lancelot, it’s in the past now, now you know better and now you are your own person, we all make mistakes”_ the other looked at him, his ocean eyes drained from sobbing for only the Hidden knows how long _“my mistakes burned people alive! How could you sit here and try to make me feel better about it? How could you even look at me? I’m a demon! A monster! I murdered your folks!”_ The monk explained bitterly, Gawain cringed a bit and took his hand off him.

_“your only sin is trying to survive, what good is it to blame yourself? To pity yourself? A man showed you horror then tortured you into becoming something you’re not, mistreated you, and lied to you, you were a child, then you became a pet and now you’re free! I’m glad you’re alive! You rescued me and squirrel, you brought us to safety, and we’re forever grateful for you, Lancelot you are our folk, all fey kind is our folks I know you don’t see it but we’re a family, the three of us who are living among friends”_ the knight said, determined to make him believe.

The monk looked at him speechless until Goliath broke the silence with a neigh then looked at the monk, who glanced at him with a little frown then let go of him _“your beast_ _has an opinion of his own_ ” Gawain commented _“he thinks he’s not the one who I should be relying on for such a matter”_ the monk whispered, rubbing his eyes, trying to wipe the dry tears _“I’ll never understand how you two communicate”_ the monk breathed _“we were raised together”_

The monk didn’t have friends growing up, Father had him locked in with him most of the time, to teach him about the religion and form him into the Sword of the Lord, he was only allowed to practice and tend to Goliath, and well, he preferred the horse’s company better than the paladins anyways, Gawain wondered if he's as good at his role as he wishes to believe, even the horse understood Lancelot better than he does.

_“I’m sorry I broke my promise”_ he whispered, the knight nodded _“it’s okay, old habits are hard to get rid of, I should’ve paid you more attention as well so I apologize as well”_ the monk shook his head no, he's not his responsibility _“when was the last time you’ve slept through the night?”_ Gawain asked, the ash man shrugged _“the thunderstorm”_ the other frowned _“Lancelot it’s been weeks since that! Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you let yourself suffer for so long?”_ The monk wanted to shout the obvious which is that he deserves to suffer but he didn’t want to upset Gawain even more, the other took a deep breath _“come, let’s go patch those wounds and put you to bed”_ Gawain commented, crawling to his crutches, the monk obligately did as told.

The two walked back inside, to the cooking area where the faes kept their herbs, Gawain did the mix that he was taught by his people, to heal and numb the pain, Lancelot sat on the ground as quiet as a worm, Gawain cleaned the dried blood then applied the mixture, not gaining any reaction from the monk, no flinching or wincing, too used to the process _“don’t do that again please”_ Gawain whispered as his fingers wandered on the damaged skin, earning nothing from the monk _“I know, no matter how many times I tell you that you've done nothing wrong, that no matter how many times I tell you it's in the past and you're forgiven, you'll never believe me, and it pains me to see you like this, no one deserves to be mutated and tortured this way, even you, you're not a monster or a demon, you did what you had to do, and you matter to us so much now, what hurts you, hurts us_ ” he mumbled softly.

_“I’m sorry”_ the blonde said, Gawain was now covering the mixture and his back with a clean cloth “ _thank you”_ Gawain said, then the two returned to their beds, Lancelot laid on his bed with Gawain sitting next to him, his face to the wall _“I can’t sleep with you staring at me like this”_ the monk whispered, Gawain rolled his eyes “ _I doubt you’re convinced_ _to sleep anyways_ ” the two ended up dragging Lancelot’s bed and sticking it to Gawain, then they both laid down with Percival in the middle and only then, Lancelot was able to rest.

after that night, It became their usual thing, the three of them sleeping together, it calmed the monk, it made Squirrel happier, and it made it easier for Gawain to keep an eye on them, they were happy, for a change.


	6. The Curious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> News of Fey Land is in the air, and it's time for the Fey men to talk about the elephant in the room with a little push from their loyal friends.

_“I’ve heard rumors”_ Gunvor started the conversation as they ate dinner, no one paid attention but the monk glanced at her for a second _“of a Fey land, protected by magic”_ then she had the full attention of the fey men and boy _“what land?”_ Gawain questioned, still not paying much attention _“a Fey land! The only one who knows where it is the Red Spear! Fey of all kinds live there, under the protection of Merlin! And a Wolf Blood Witch!”_

Gawain and Percival’s eyes shined as they heard of the Wolf Blood Witch “ _Nimue_ ” squirrel whispered, then shook Gawain’s arm _“Nimue is alive! Gawain we must find them! We_ _must go to find Nimue and Pym!”_ He glowed, Gawain looked at Lancelot _“what do you think?”_ The other shrugged _“they’re your friends_ _”_

It was obvious that the subject made Lancelot uncomfortable, he hated the idea, and Gawain understood that, he was just getting cozy and comfortable, if they go seeking the Fey, he’d be ripped off his new environment and thrown into a hostile one where everyone will hate him for what he did and what he represents, but on the other hand, Squirrel was excited, happy, he was happy too but if they leave, Lancelot will never be happy.

_“Gawain! Why are you being quiet? We must find our friends!_ ” The boy interrupted his thoughts, he groaned and started eating again, picking a piece of bread “ _it’s not that simple Squirrel, we’ll discuss_ it later” he whispered, gazing at the former monk who avoided their eyes, occupying himself with the food in front of him _“what’s there to discuss?_ _Our friends are alive! Don’t you want to see them again?”_ He pouted _“boy enough of it already! I said we’ll discuss it!”_ Gawain snapped, it was unusual for the Green Knight and very unpleasant, causing the monk to flinch, and shutting squirrel up.

_“How do you find the Red Spear?”_ He asked, the siblings shared a look _“it’s tricky, they can’t come to Norway so you must leave and find them, there’s a map but no one but Fey_ _can read it, and it’s spreading everywhere, I saw it but I can’t memorize it, I can show you where I found it”_ Gawain nodded, glancing again at the nervous Monk.

Leif and Lancelot shared few looks, as if they had their own language, it was obvious that the two instantly became friends, both quiet, and they somehow communicated with looks and enjoyed the company of each other, truth be told, Gawain was slightly jealous, he wished he knew what's on Lancelot just from the looking at him like the other, maybe he was more than slightly jealous but he wouldn't say a word.

Eventually, they went to bed, or so they tried, Lancelot was awake, and so was Gawain, and squirrel, but they didn’t know that yet _“you should rest”_ Gawain mumbled, Lancelot shifted _“you should too”_ both being as quiet as they can be, the knight breathed “ _you know we can’t stay here forever, right”_ Gawain whispered, Lancelot agreed “ _I know, you also know that I have no place in Fey Land”_ Gawain nodded _“I know”_

_“I…”_ the monk paused to take a deep breath _“I don’t want to be alone again but I know it's what's for the best, for you and Squirrel”_ he whispered softly, it's was hard to say but he needed him to know, the two of them came above his own needs, Gawain reached for his hand “ _hey, I’m not leaving you behind! we go together or we don’t go at all”_ He gave his hand a little squeeze, Lancelot shook his head no _“Percival is right, you should seek your family, and friends, I’ll be alright”_ the knight was surprised, taking him few moments to connect the dots, he’s never thought of Squirrel as someone with a real name, and Percival of all names, he shook his head in disbelief, letting a little laugh out.

_“Shut up man, we go together, I’ll vouch for you, they won’t hurt you, Lancelot they’ve forgiven Merlin! by the Hiddens if that snake deserves a second chance so do you! I’m sure they’ll understand, it won’t be beautiful or easy but eventually, you’ll feel home again, and I'll be right with you”_ or so the former knight hoped, _“they’ll kill me”_ He muttered _“no they won’t, stop being an idiot! They're not cruel!”_ This came from under the thick brown fur, Gawain raised an eyebrow then lifted the blanket up, Squirrel gulped “ _please don’t be mad”_ he told both men, Gawain smiled and embraced him between his arms _“I would’ve been disappointed if you were anything but awake!”_ Lancelot observed quietly.

_“I’m sorry I snapped earlier, I am no fan of being mad, nor of my action earlier but I was thinking things through, and I handled the situation poorly”_ he told the boy, the younger nodded understanding _“it’s alright, frankly, I didn’t think it through and I got too excited, but Lancelot, I’m not leaving you either, I know you barely speak to me, and that you are annoying with all of your rules and you always seem to like being with yourself -which I don't assume is much fun, oh and you're very slow sometimes! but I’m not leaving you either”_ Squirrel said the last part looking at Lancelot, the other gave him a slight smile, once again unsure if he should feel flattered or insulted, but he learned not to take his words to the heart _“thank_ _you Percival”_

_“That's an example of how slow you can be! again with that name! After I told you thousands of times not to call me that?”_ The boy groaned, Lancelot pouted a little _“it’s your_ _given name”_ he clarified _“so? You go by The Weeping Monk but your name is Lancelot, why do you get to be called what you like but I don’t?”_ Gawain watched the two interestingly _“I don’t like that name”_ Lancelot mumbled, _“then why do you make everyone call you that?”_ The monk sighed _“I don’t, it was forced on me and stuck, branded me like an animal of some sort, I’m not! I hate it”_ he confessed, squirrel looked puzzled _“then I won’t call you that, and I’ll respect your hatred for the name but you should do the same for me and call me the name I prefer!”_

The monk nodded the boy had a point, he defeated him with that logic, the man who’s never lost a fight since he was twelve is now losing to a boy barely younger than he was when he became a legend, _“why don’t you just tell people not to call you that?”_ Squirrel asked after a while _“because…”_ he took a breath _“because, no matter what I say or do,_ _I’m The Weeping Monk, no one will agree to see me anything but a monster and a freak”_ Gawain was no Ash man but he could sense the sadness as Lancelot said his words, he reached for his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, his way of telling him it will be okay without saying it, Leif can suck it, he'd never be able to learn that move, ignoring the looks from the boy.

_“Can we get some sleep now? It’s too early anyway, and Gunvor will leave in a week for the market again! Lancelot will accompany her and tell us what he sees”_ he suggested, the two were about to argue but Gawain gave them **the look** and they knew better than to revolt against him when he gives **the look** , it didn’t take long before the three fell asleep.

Lancelot was the one to go, Leif remained on the farm with Gawain, he hated the markets, he understood nothing and everyone stared oddly at his birthmarks, the weeping eyes, but on the bright side, he gets to ride Goliath again, it’s been a while since they’ve been together on the road, the market was half a day away, and he was never at ease when he’s alone with Gunvor, she was too intimidating for him.

_“I hate riding”_ Gunvor said out of nowhere, Lancelot looked at her, he knew he should say something but he didn’t know what to say, so he remained quiet _“I fell from my horse_ _when I was a girl once, my arm broke, it took me around a year to be able to use it again!”_ She continued even with the so little reaction she got from the blond man, he guessed she was used to it since her brother is mute “ _I bet you’ve broken too many bones!”_ She looked at Lancelot who nodded, if only she knew _“Gawain told me you were_ _imprisoned by the paladins once, what are they like?”_

**Cruel, and I wasn’t imprisoned, I was their brother!** the monk thought, **cruel, they brainwashed people who kill the innocent to fulfill a wish of a crueler man!** “ _They’re_ _devoted to their cause”_ he said instead _“would you prefer to go back with them?”_ The monk shook his head, he would rather die than go back to being their puppet _“Gawain_ _seems to look after you too much”_ she continued, making the monk frown, was he really that weak that everyone knows how much he needed Gawain? How much he needed him to assure him he’s alright and comfort him? 

_“I like Gawain, truth be told, I had my eyes on him ever since the docks, but he never seems to see anyone but you and Squirrel, my brother tried to flirt with you too but he gave up as soon as he saw Gawain’s jealous look, are you two together?”_ she asked, gaining an even more confused look from the asher, who thought that's even possible _“together?_ _Like friends?”_ he repeated, she giggled _“like lovers”_ he blinked few times as he tried to process _“Like a man and a woman?”_ she looked at him _“like a man and a man”_ he frowned “ _that’s a sin! And wrong! And sickening! How could you think of this?”_ he cried at the woman who simply ignored him.

His attention shifted from the woman to the road, he must admit, he liked the nature that surrounded him, he wondered if he touched the frozen branch whether his hand would turn white like the snow or not, but he also wondered if he touched Gawain what would happen? Pouting even more, was there something between the men? A feeling of affection in a romantic way? No, it can’t be! First of all, this was wrongdoing! Father Carden said homosexuals will be fried and fucked by demons! He didn’t want to be fucked by a demon, but also, Father Carden told him he loved him so maybe his words weren't very trusty.

Second of all, Gawain is this amazing man who can get whoever he wishes, he’s the Green Knight, very respected in the Fey community, and handsome for mankind both women and men, why would he like a pathetic traitor to his own kind? A broken one who can’t go a week without breaking down into tears like a little piece of garbage, he doesn’t even look good! He’s ugly and stupid! He deserves someone like Gunvor or even Leif, strong, beautiful, intelligent, he deserves anything but him!

Closing his eyes shut, trying to block all of those thoughts away, he tried to focus on his surroundings instead, Gunvor must’ve noticed his struggles because she didn’t say a word afterward, which he was grateful for, he wished Gawain was here or Percival at least, they would help him ease his brain into anything else, so instead, he tried to imagine what it would be like if the two were riding by his side, Percival would start by asking him a question, like what’s his favorite color, and no matter what he’d answer the child would make fun of him until he gains a smack from Gawain who’d support Lancelot’s choice.

_“We’re here, would you prefer to go to the market first or the map?”_ he was interrupted by Gunvor’s voice, he looked at her blinking _“you’re wrong!”_ he blurted without thinking, truth be told he didn’t really listen so he just yelled the first thing that came into his mind as Squirrel had taught him, the woman looked so confused, was it not the right answer? _“Alright, we’re going to the market...”_ she said trying to act as casual as she can be.

The two of them walked to the market, their horses wandered behind, with Goliath leading the group, of course, Lancelot got used to the strange looks he sometimes gets from the people, Gunvor told them his birthmarks were war paint, and that his tribe honored wearing them, it wasn’t as big as the once back home but the markets were definitely interesting, you can see merchandise from all around the world, Gunvor told him he can trade with them once the Spring falls, he knows he can’t go and leave Gawain and Percival but the thought of seeing different places without the goal of killing the citizens of the place was nice.

They spent the night at a tavern, in the same room for Lancelot’s dislike, it wasn’t the first time he travels with Gunvor but this time, he had a lot on his mind, specifically, whether he should accompany the knight and the boy back home, he’s already discussed this with Goliath who yelled at him whenever he said he can’t possibly go, the two wouldn’t leave without him and they made this very clear, but if he goes with them, the people would demand his head for his crime, but was it really a bad thing? To die? He must go, he must apologize and try to make commands, if he dies then be it! At least Gawain and Squirrel will be among their family, he can't deny them that.

That night, the Monk couldn’t get any sleep, it became a habit of his to sleep only when the two were in sight, and well, they weren’t currently, the woman bought them breakfast and then they headed to where she found the map.

Lancelot looked at the map that’s shaped with the branches of a tree, this was a language of old Fey which he didn’t know of, he could feel Gunvor’s eyes on him, waiting for him to explain it, but sadly he can’t, he broke the branches and put it in his bag _“what are you doing?”_ the woman shouted _“Gawain must see it”_ it was partly true “ _what if there_ _are other Faes who wanted to go there?_ ” she questioned, the monk shrugged “ _there are plenty of other maps hidden, it’s very unlikely for the fey to only make one_ ” he explained, he learned that the hard way.

The two rode with small talks every now and then, Lancelot was not interested in whatever wicked thoughts the woman had in mind about him and his- what was Gawain to him anyway? A friend? A brother? A lover? He’d try to ask him, he’d pray he won’t make a fool of himself though.

When they arrived, Lancelot carried as many items as possible then walked through the door, Squirrel was the first to greet him, Gawain and Leif were sitting by the fire, “ _so_? _What did it say?”_ the boy said with excitement, the monk placed the boxes he was carrying aside and pulled out the map of his bag, handing it to Squirrel “ _you_ _broke_ _the_ _branch_?” the boy frowned, gaining a look from Gunvor _“why didn’t you just read it? What if there are others out there who need to find home?”_ Gunvor again, gestured her hands in agreement.

_“Just give it to Gawain”_ the monk mumbled underneath his breath, Squirrel did as told, Gawain raised an eyebrow at him, they didn’t discuss it any further until the siblings were asleep, not that they didn’t trust them but it was their duty to protect them as well, they all sat on the bed, Gawain held it in his hand, Lancelot sat next to him and in the middle, Squirrel sat, _“why did you take it?”_ Squirrel asked, again, the monk groaned “ _because, he can’t read the language”_ Gawain replied “ _that’s impossible! he’s tracked us down hundredth of times!”_ the boy frowned _“I can read, but only a little, I know it’s north”_ he mumbled.

_“How else did you find our secret hideout then?”_ the boy questioned, Lancelot, unpleased by the question, sighed _“I sensed your people, interrogated some even”_ he explained _“our people! You’re one of us! They’re your people too”_ Squirrel corrected, but the monk didn’t seem to care, they weren’t his people, they were the people who he helped murder, no one would want someone like him among their lines.

_“Well, it says here if we wish to find the Red Spear then we must head north to the sea, walk alongside the shore until we find a spear carved into a rock, a ship will await every full moon”_ Gawain whispered _“isn’t that in a fortnight?”_ the knight nodded.

_“Are we going?”_ Percival asked, Gawain shifted his look to the monk who was staring at his hands _“I suppose, you deserve to be with your people, and I deserve whatever my_ _fate is”_ Gawain nodded _“then we’ll inform the siblings in the morning and prepare for our journey, we’ll leave in five days”_ both agreed with the plan, and shortly after discussing few things, they laid down, Squirrel was the first to fall asleep, then it was Gawain who closed his eyes.

Hesitantly, Lancelot reached for him and shook his arm _“what is it?”_ The other mumbled, his eyes closed, Lancelot remained quiet for a moment _“I need to talk to you”_ he whispered, the brunette sighed and opened his eyes, Lancelot could tell he’s sleepy, and he felt as guilty as ever _“it’s okay, talk to me_ ” Gawain assured him with a little smile, Lancelot took a deep breath and closed his eyes, he gathered all the courage he has _“are you kind to me because you pity how pathetic I’m or is it because you think of me as a disgusting homosexual who you wish to sleep with?”_ He said all at once.

Gawain was speechless, he stared at him blinking for a minute or two _“go to sleep Lancelot”_ he finally replied, unsure of what other response he could say, Lancelot wasn't pleased with the answer _“Gawain I’m serious!”_ Gawain groaned _“serious about what? Making me choose between disgusting homosexual or pitiful pathetic? That’s absurd! It’s neither of them! Why would you even think of that?”_ Lancelot frown only grew.

Gawain sighed and rubbed his forehead _“how did you even come up with this idea?”_ He asked again, Lancelot, nervously brushing his knuckles with his thumbs _“Gunvor said you_ _like me, that’s the only reason you care about me, because you want to take me as a man takes a woman otherwise you’d be sleeping with her”_ he admitted, gaining a little chuckle from the knight _“Lancelot, I didn’t sleep with her because I can’t sleep with anyone”_

_“Of course you can! You’re a good looking man, I’m sure you can sleep with any woman you wish, preferably in marriage, otherwise, it’s adultery and it’s extremely immoral”_ the monk revealed, Gawain shook his head no _“no Lancelot, I can’t, not since the kitchen, I’m broken”_ the monk didn’t understand that either, Gawain wasn’t broken down there, he’s seen him naked thousands of times, nothing was physically wrong with him, he’s probably saying that just to make him feel better or whatever the reason is why Gawain say what he say.

_“I don’t assume you had sex before or was told of the process?”_ The monk nodded in agreement _“well, in order to sleep with someone, you have to have the parts and when your member goes up, then and only then you can sleep with someone, and well, that’s not my case anymore, and trust me I tried”_ Gawain explained, stressing the I tried part, with so little details, knowing so well it’s an awkward topic for the monk and an embarrassing one for himself _“Brother Salt did that?”_ Gawain nodded _“I suppose, my ability to walk on my own isn’t the only thing he’s taken from me”_

The two remained quiet, Gawain assumed the conversation was over, he knew well by now that when new information is being thrown at Lancelot, he needs time to comprehend, he closed his eyes again attempting to sleep but little did he know, Lancelot’s hand was shaking his arm again _“by the Hiddens Lancelot!”_ He whined, he was exhausted, but the monk seemed to be in a chatty mood _“you still haven’t answered my question!”_ The blond demanded, Gawain opened his eyes and looked at him, Lancelot’s blue eyes were filled with fear and curiosity, a look he recognized on Squirrel but not the monk _“what question?”_

_“Why do you care about me?”_ Of course, the one time Lancelot was interested in talking was when Gawain was so exhausted he barely had his eyes open _“well, at first I didn’t, then I started caring about you because you meant something to Squirrel, then you grew on me, and I realized you’re one of us, the damaged ones and then it was impossible not to care”_ the knight explained with all honesty, which the monk appreciated _“do you-“_ Lancelot stopped midway, if it wasn't dark, Gawain would swear he was blushing _“do I what Lance?”_ Gawain mumbled _“wish to take me like a man and a woman?”_ Gawain breathed _“it doesn’t matter, I can’t”, “but would you if you could?”_ He asked out of pure curiosity. 

_Gawain shrugged “if I was capable of it, and you were in a good place mentally, and I had the stomach to explain the procedure, then sure”_ Lancelot felt conflicted by his answer, between happy and guilty, happy that Gawain would consider that he’s good enough to share such an experience with him and guilty because those thoughts were wrong and he should be ashamed of himself, he took a shaky breath _“Lancelot?”_ Gawain called as he noticed how deep he is in his thoughts “ _it’s wrong”_ Gawain nodded _“some may say so, maybe by human laws, by ours… it’s only wrong if our folks are on the verge of extinction and we are not performing our duties to ensure survival”_

_“Look, if we're speaking of it then I might as well share the truth, I grew feelings for you, so yes I do have those 'sinful feelings' towards you, and shortly I started to forget what a world without you feels like, but I understand that you’re incapable of sharing those feelings, and I understand you need someone who can please you at least, and I’m neither but... don’t worry, it’ll change nothing between us, I'll always be there for you and care about you”_ , _“I can share those feelings!_ ” He protested _“I have feelings! I was just unsure_ _of the possibility! Gawain, I would like you to take me as your woman even if it means I’ll burn in hell for it”_ the knight chuckled, caressing the other's cheek softly _“first, it’s not_ _‘take me as your woman’ it’s as your lover because both would be equal, second, you deserve better than a damaged man like me, third, you are only saying this because you’re afraid of losing me which will never happen, I promise”_

_“I’m damaged too”_ Lancelot whispered with sadness, what if he secretly wishes if Gawain would take him as his? He wouldn’t mind spending every moment with Gawain, he trusts him and he never trusts anyone, he knows him, he can’t imagine a life without him too, but Gawain is right, the knight deserves better than him, he’s ugly and his back is a map of his sins, a sore sight for anyone, and he’s terrified of losing him so he wouldn’t speak of it any further, he closed his eyes shut to prevent any tears, the last thing he needed now is to embarrass himself by showing exactly why Gawain can't be with him, Gawain pulled his hand away “ _it’ll be alright, I’m right here and I promise not to go_ _anywhere”_ the monk nodded, if it was only the answer he's searching for.


	7. The Lover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Monk decided to let Gawain know exactly how he feels, and while they were busy planning for their arrival at the Fey Land, the Monk was busy wondering if Gawain was as alright as he says he is.

The next morning, Lancelot woke up early and headed to the barn, talking to his trusted friend Goliath, telling him of everything that happened, he probably talked about it too much about what happened yesterday that the next thing he knows that Goliath huffed at him.

Lancelot turned to look at the door, seconds before it was open, he frowned at Gunvor’s sight _“it’s my turn to look after the animals”_ she told, Lancelot agreed _“I was just_ _checking on Goliath”_ he explained, she nodded and tended to the rest of the animals _“you were wrong"_ He, for the first time, started the conversation with the woman _“about_ _what?”_ She asked, occupied with feeding the goats _“about Gawain having feelings for me, he doesn’t”_ Gunvor stopped doing what she was doing and turned to look at him “ _you_ _actually talked to him about what I joked about earlier?”_

With a frown, the Monk nodded, how was he supposed to know it was a joke? the woman seemed pretty serious about it, surprised _“wow, I didn’t expect that, want to talk about it?”_ He shrugged, but Goliath glared at him, he’s been rumbling about it to the horse for hours now maybe a fellow human can help better _“I told him if he had feelings for me,_ _In a sinful way, he said it doesn’t matter because I’m too broken in the head and he’s physically incapable of putting up with me”_ or at least that’s what the Monk understood _“but he didn’t deny them?_ ” Gunvor asked, she didn't pay much attention to how he explained it, by now she knew Gawain would never say such things, Lancelot shook his head _“then he has feelings for you but he’s afraid”_

_“Afraid? Gawain is never afraid!”_ He defended, gaining a giggle _“Oh you poor man! He clearly is afraid of disappointing you! You lack experience and it puts pressure on him because he cares too much and wants it to be perfect!”_ The monk looked at her as she spoke, in his head, it made sense, even if Gawain would deny it, _“how can I make him_ _stop being afraid?”_ He asked after few minutes of silence _“show him you’re up for the challenge! Make the first move! Kiss him to show him you feel the same way when the time’s right! Offer yourself to him if you must”_ he nodded, it’s a great idea! When the time’s right, he’d offer himself to him then kissed him! But he probably should wait until Squirrel is asleep, yes, he’d do that!

It was their last night before they hit the road again, the whole subject was forgotten to Gawain but Lancelot had had a plan, he asked Leif for advice on what to do, they came up with the perfect plan; after everyone’s asleep he’d tell Gawain to meet him at the storage sector which was isolated from the rest of the house yet warm enough, and there was a door for privacy, that night he told Gawain to meet him there, he had a few candles so they’d see what’s in front of them and he had all of his clothes off, Gunvor told him to offer himself, Leif explained to him what he should expect, so he stood there and waited.

It didn’t take long before the door was opened, Lancelot’s nervous eyes focused on the man standing in front of him, Leif told him to always maintain eye contact it's more special that away, Gawain furrowed his brows in confusion, he walked in and closed the door behind _“Lancelot, what’s this? Are you injured?”_ He said as he inspected him with his eyes, the monk took a deep breath then walked to him, pressing him trembling lips against Gawain’s, who didn’t kiss back at first as he tried to understand what was going on, but then he was as into it as the Monk and perhaps even more.

Both breathing heavily as their lips parted, Gawain was the first to speak _“what’s the meaning of this?”_ still confused _“I’m offering myself to you, and kissing you, to show you_ _that I’m good and ready and that you have nothing to fear”_ Gawain raised an eyebrow at him _“ready for what exactly?”_ Lancelot frowned _“for you to do as you please with my_ _body and claim me yours, I know you’re afraid because it’s my first time but I can handle it!”_ He exclaimed, earning a pout from the other _“Lancelot did you even listen to me when we spoke about it the other day?”_

The monk nodded _“yes and listen! I share your feelings! And I know I’m too disgusting for you with my whipped body and how I'm clueless about the obvious things! but if you make me yours I promise I’ll be good! I’d do whatever you want! I’d always listen and make you first! I’d be good I promise!”_ He looked at him with pleading eyes, the brunette rubbed his forehead _“by the Hiddens!_ ” He mumbled under his breaths, feeling how tired and frustrated Gawain was, Lancelot sat on the ground, hugging his knees and hiding his face, he hated how he just ruined anything.

The knight noticed, he’s an idiot, he sighed and limped to him, placing his crutches aside, he sat down beside him _“come here”_ he whispered as he patted his shoulder, Lancelot forced himself to look at him, the knight had both arms open for him, and once he was of reach he pulled him into his lap, Gawain closed his arms around him, the other rested his head on the cripple’s chest, Gawain held Lancelot’s hand.

_“You’re not ugly, your back is not ugly or disgusting, I don’t think you’re disgusting in any way, I’ve told you why I can’t be with you and it has nothing to do with how I view you, and everything to do with how broken I’m”_ Gawain explained as he brushed his thumbs against the other’s hand _“I’m broken too”_ the monk whispered, _“you deserve_ _someone who’s not so broken, someone that you can feel alive with, you know?”_ the monk looked at him _“I’d never feel those things you want me to feel, I’m not like the others, I’m too damaged for that, I’d never been able to feel normal, my normal was to hunt Fey kind and seek the favor of an evil man, I don't know what normal is”_

Thinking about it, Lancelot is right, they never had a chance to know what normal feels like, Gawain leaving the village from a young age and when he returned he was The Green Knight, who had to save his own kind, and Lancelot, well, he wasn’t even Lancelot anymore, he was stripped of his name and identity, The Weeping Monk, maybe he’s right, maybe there’s no normal for them _“can I ask you something?”_ Gawain asked, _“will it embarrass me even further?”_ the Monk mumbled, the Knight smiled _“well, you crossed the line of embarrassment, what one more question can do?”_ he was obviously joking, but the monk gave him a puppy-eyes anyways.

_“Why would you want to be with me?”_ the other shrugged _“I like you, you don’t see me the way I see myself, you care about me, you know how to be with me without it scaring you out, you don’t think I’m that disgusting, you have proven yourself worthy and you don’t try to erase my identity and well, you’re broken too, you know what it feels like”_ he whispered, the former knight nodded, then reached for the Monk’s cloak that’s thrown on the ground, he covered him with it _“how are you not freezing?”_ the knight mumbled _“I’ve been through worse”_

_“Are you sure you want to be with me? And it’s not claimed you mine, you’re a person and people don’t get claimed”_ the Monk clenched into his cloak, he looked at Gawain “ _yes_ ” the brunette nodded _“alright, but you must be warned, I can’t fuck you, I can never run after you, and well, I make the worst potatoes soup ever”_ the Monk let out a soft chuckle, it was barely hearable _“true, but I wasn’t going to say anything”_ he earned a playful smack from the sky man, _“and I don’t want to have sex, from what I was told it’s_ _terrifying and painful and weird”_ he added, Gawain furrowed his eyebrows “ _it’s not- how did you even hear about it?”_ , _“Gunvor and Leif”_

The two stayed like that for a while, holding each other, enjoying the comfort that’s now permanent, the Monk seemed relaxed for once and the knight seemed to enjoy holding him, maybe it’s something he dreamed about even before knowing it’s possible, eventually they returned to their bed, they’d have a long travel and they earned themselves some rest.

In the morning the three broke their fasts with the siblings for the last time, no one said anything, they treated it like a normal morning until it was time for leaving, Goliath stood behind them, Gunvor spared them a horse and a bag of silver _“we’ll see you again, right?”_ Squirrel asked, the woman patted his shoulder _“of course, you know where we live, and you can write us! You know the language now”_ she smiled despite the fact that she's sad for their departure, Lancelot kept shifting at the feelings that he received from everyone, sadness mostly, after all, they grew to be a family of their own.

_“You take good care of these two idiots okay?”_ Gunvor told Squirrel who rushed to her and hugged her _“I’ll miss picking vegetables with you”_ she tried to be as strong as she can be, she didn't want the last memory of them together to be one filled with tears _“me too my dearest boy”_ Leif hugged both men and stepped off, he looked at Lancelot and the monk nodded, Gawain could swear those two can read each other’s thoughts and it terrified him, he wished if he could do that, he'll forever be jealous of their bond, next it was Gunvor who pulled them into a hug _“you be good, okay? Don’t get yourself into too much trouble, and find us when you’re settled!”_ Gawain nodded _“and perhaps you can visit_ _us?”_ the woman nodded _“of course, you will not get rid of us that easily”_

After saying their goodbyes the three rode north, it was a three days trip to the shore and another day to find the location if they didn’t make any stop but that was impossible, Squirrel rode with Gawain as usual on his white horse, while Lancelot enjoyed the company of Goliath, who’d learned a new trick, to stop whenever he’s tired and cause the other horse to stop too, it pissed Lancelot off but he could see that Gawain was glad whenever they stopped, he told him once that he still feels pain in his spine sometimes, and he would use the horses’ stops as an excuse to lay down or stretch his limps.

The road was smooth, no one stopped them or asked any questions, they went through the forest rather than the city, the three of them wearing heavy clothes to protect them from the coldness, Lancelot wondered if a ship will be there in this weather, but Gawain thought they would be, and he learned to trust and follow Gawain’s orders, the road was filled with Squirrel’s voice, telling Lancelot about Pym and Nimue and asking both men ridiculous questions, while Gawain would beg him to shut up or tell him how ridiculous some words seem, Lancelot participated every now and then, but in general he kept to himself.

They’ve learned the hard way that caves were their friends now and baths weren’t, and with a strong storm like this, the journey was put on hold as they sought shelter in a large cave where they could start a fire so they wouldn't freeze to death.

_“When can we resume our journey?”_ Squirrel asked _“when the storm calms”_ Gawain replied, his back to the stone, Goliath and the other horse were in the back, remaining calm while Lancelot was checking their inventory, they were short on food supplies and water, which means he’ll have to leave the warmth soon enough “ _how are we?”_ The brunette asked _“I must leave soon to fetch few things”_ he took a small sip of water then gathered all of their food, he gave each horse two apples and a piece of bread for Gawain and squirrel.

_“Why aren’t you eating?”_ Gawain asked _“it’s okay you need it more and we can’t waste resources”_ the monk explained, the knight nodded understandingly and broke his bread into two halves, giving half to Lancelot _“you need it the most”_ he refused _“and you do too, you need strength if you’re going out into the storm when the sun rises”_ Gawain argued and gave it to him again, the Monk wanted to protest, he was familiar with hunger, he’d live on an apple for a month if he has to, but he promised Gawain he’d listen and be good, he promised.

The three ate, offering their only blanket to Squirrel as he eventually fell asleep, his head on Gawain’s lap, Lancelot must admit he wishes if he’s Percival’s Gawain but also, he knew it’s mainly because the other lost most of his sensations in his lower half which means it wouldn’t hurt him, the monk held into his grey cloak and curled into himself, his head buried in his hood, the fire barely kept them warm, Gawain on the other hand, tried to comfort his new lover but wasn’t sure of the way.

_“It’s freezing”_ he mumbled, the blond looked at him _“would you like to have my cloak?”_ Gawain frowned, he didn’t, he simply wanted to start a conversation “ _no, you need it_ _more”_ the monk frowned, Gawain must think he’s too weak to handle cold _“are you feeling well?”_ Gawain tried again, the monk nodded “ _why wouldn’t I be?”_ The cripple nodded, that was stupid, he went on and on with different scenarios in his head, trying to figure which ones were less awkward, and when he finally decided on a subject he turned to look at the monk who had his head against Gawain’s shoulder and his eyes closed, he was asleep, Gawain wrapped an arm around him and smiled a little, this is a good sign.

In the morning the monk placed more woods to keep the fire going, he put his swords in his belt, leaving his dagger for Squirrel and his bow for Gawain just in case, they were both asleep, he took the bag and the waterskin then left, it was freezing outside and very difficult to see, the wind was too strong and he only hoped the storm would pass soon enough, otherwise they’d miss the ship, he did something though, he touched a snowflake! And it turned his hand white, he grinned, he’s been wondering about it for a while now, then he realized the snow can melt into water and with that he gathered their water supplies, now for the food, the tricky part, which could take a while 

Gawain woke up stretching his arms, it took him a minute to remember Lancelot slept with his head on his shoulder last night and a few seconds to realize he’s gone _“fuck!”_ He cursed, the monk didn’t even take anything to keep him warm! He faced the storm underdressed and under-weaponed! He cursed him for that, Squirrel woke up lastly, and Squirrel fed the horses the last two apples then returned to Gawain with their last piece of bread.

_“What’s taking him so long?”_ Squirrel whined as his stomach grumbled, splitting the bread into three halves, giving Gawain his and putting Lancelot’s aside _“he probably froze_ _to death because that idiot didn’t dress well!”_ Gawain replied frustratedly _“it’s Lancelot we’re talking about! He’ll be fine! He’s probably been through worse anyway!”_ Squirrel defended, but that didn’t ease Gawain’s mind _“you should eat”_ the boy begged _“I’ll wait for Lancelot”_ he sighed _“it could take a while, just eat”_ the fey glared at the boy who rolled his eyes and ate his share.

The night was almost upon them, no one could survive the night at such weather on their own, not even the weeping monk, Gawain was anxious and so was Squirrel, who began to pace around _“he’ll be fine! I’m sure!”_ The boy said out loud, to himself more than to Gawain _“I’ll go look for him”_ Gawain said reaching for his crutches _“search where?_ _He could be anywhere! And you can’t walk properly, you’ll freeze to death before you get out of the cave”_ Gawain hated how right the boy was, he got up anyway _“then I’ll_ _search everywhere!”_ He growled.

_“Search for what?”_ A familiar voice rang into his ears, he turned to look at him, the Monk, with his nose blood red and carrying many things “ _you!”_ A mixed feeling between happiness and anger were brought to the Ash man’s attention “ _I’m sorry_ ” he whispered, out of habit, Gawain sighed and walked to him, embracing him in a hug _“next time you_ _leave without telling me I’ll feed you your very own balls”_ the monk looked confused.

Squirrel ran to him and took the goods _“see? I told you he’s fine! He brought us a rabbit and fruit! And… ice?”_ The boy frowned and looked at the monk “ _just put it near the fire”_ the boy did as told, _"my hands, they turn white like the snow"_ the blond whispered, the other was confused a little but then he smiled " _of course they did"_ then placed more woods into the bonfire, they cooked the rabbit and shared a meal, they fed the horses and went to sleep.

The storm stopped the next morning, and the three went on their way, Gawain kept quiet and to himself which made Percival’s conversation turn to the monk, as much as he was enjoying the attention as much as he’s worried, Gawain was never the quiet type, his behavior is odd.

They only stopped when they found the mark of the Red Spear, well, Squirrel found it, Gawain passed it like an idiot, few fey kinds resided in the spot, Lancelot sensed fear and hope and different looks they gave them, he wasn’t sure if they recognize him but he’s sure they didn’t like him.

The three kept to themselves, staying away from the group and closer to closed areas, they had their own bonfire and hunted their own food, Gawain only spoke when it was necessary, the monk was getting suspicious of his actions, but he didn’t have the chance to say a thing, not with Percival around, he wouldn’t want him involved in their problems, the boy suffered enough.

Two nights after, the ship appeared right on time, giving the Fey and their horses time to board as they visited a nearby village for supplies, this time, there’s much more space, and they didn’t have to hide in the back, they had their own space to sleep and sit which the monk was grateful for, for a person who hated small places, he definitely found comfort in them ever since he left the paladins.

And with that, their journey to the unknown began, but what bothered Lancelot the most is Gawain’s behavior, it felt like he was shutting him out, and now that they are in the middle of the sea locked in a room so small barely enough for the three of them, the man had no escape.

It was night time, and the waves were rough, giving the monk anxiety, the familiar sound of water drops through the roof made him unable to sleep, he curled into himself in the corner as the knight and the boy slept, he prayed that neither would notice him has gone from the bed, but of course, not all prayers are heard, especially his.

Gawain shifted in his sleep and reached for Lancelot’s spots, his arms wandering, he noticed it was empty therefore he woke up, he searched around for a while, it was difficult to see where the monk was, almost invisible with his grey cloak blending into the darkness and without his bright blue eyes for a sign, he was facing the wall, his entire body covered with his cloak, Gawain sighed and dragged himself to him, he placed a hand on his shoulder, the other jumped, Gawain frowned _“hey, it’s just me”_ he whispered, taking his hood off, running his fingers through his dark blond curls, it used to soothe him, but right now, the Monk seemed to ignore any kind of affection _“talk to me, what’s wrong?”_ Gawain asked.

_“I can ask you the same”_ the other replied, his eyes focused on the darkness in front of him, _“what’s that supposed to mean?_ ” Gawain frowned, trying to take few steps back, to understand why is the monk so upset _“you’re mad at me”_ he whispered softly, Gawain looked puzzled “ _that’s not true_ ” or was it? Was he mad at him? _“You’ve been ignoring me_ _ever since the cave, and you wouldn’t tell me what I did wrong!”_ Gawain remained quiet for few minutes, thinking it through, maybe he’s been distant for a while, thinking Lancelot was dead, marked him the other day and perhaps he’s not fully over it, or he didn’t notice he wasn’t anyways.

Now that he traced back his memory, he’s barely said anything to Lancelot, and he knew better than to leave him hanging like that, he knew how the other needed him but he messed up, Gawain felt like the worst person ever, Lancelot must’ve felt it too because he turned and looked at him _“I owe you an apology and an explanation”_ the former knight said, grabbing the confused monk’s attention _“I’ve been distant because, the other day at the cave, you were gone without saying a word, part of me kept thinking you abandoned us and the other kept thinking you died with so little preparation you had, and I’m sorry, I should’ve had more faith in you because you’ve proven yourself so many times, but with everything that happened to us… I guess I’m not as okay as I seem”_

_“I’m sorry”_ the Monk mumbled, Gawain smiled a little, placing a little kiss on his cheek, the ones that had traces of tears all over them, _“don’t be, you’ve done nothing wrong,_ _I’m the one who should be sorry”_ the Monk opened his mouth to speak _“no, not everything is your fault, you’re good”_ Gawain stated, the other sighed and placed his head on Gawain’s lap.

_“Why aren’t you sleeping in bed with us?”_ the blond shrugged _“I couldn’t”_ Gawain remembered one time he heard him speak of a dark dungeon in which he stayed for days, with no companion than water drops, similar to the current situation _“well, we can sit here then”_ the Ash man looked at him _“do you still want me?”_ Gawain gave him the most warming smile there’s to be, almost as warm as the woman from his dreams, _“always”_

Lancelot hasn’t seen that woman ever since the three had this sleeping arrangement, his nightmares remained every now and then but they didn’t have as much effect on him, he would wake up frightened as usual but once he sees where he is, everything becomes better, he’s afraid of the new place though, what if he can’t feel that safe ever again? 

The monk sighed, Gawain raised an eyebrow at him _“what is it now?”_ the other shook his head no _“It’s nothing, just a ridiculous thing”_ , _“nothing is just a ridiculous thing”_ the knight insisted _“nothing, I’m just… tired, can we go to bed?”_ he knew it’d bite him later in the ass that he refused to speak of what was bothering him, but he can’t have Gawain feeling guilty for going home, it’s his decision to sacrifice his comfort for the two, and they shouldn’t suffer alongside “ _okay_ ” they both returned to bed, Gawain had held Lancelot’s hand the whole time until they both fell asleep.


	8. The Misplaced

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They finally arrived in the Fey Land but it wasn't what they expected, there was no warm welcome nor the people they thought they'd meet, everything was different and some were broken.

  
  
  


They were right, about the Land of Magic, the Red Spear stopped at the shore, they weren’t allowed to access due to the treaty but the Faes did, they followed the path marked in Fey Language until they reached a village, or was it the city? it was green and filled with trees, so beautiful like an endless spring, Lancelot’s eyes widened as he’s never seen anything like that before, Faes of all kind, gathered together, living in harmony, most of them he recognized their kinds, Gawain patted his shoulder, then reached for his hand as he felt how panicked the other was, he remembers each one of them though, each village he raided with the paladins, each home destroyed by him, he remembers seeing those creatures in numbers, now they’re small clans of each, all because of him.

_“The Weeping Monk!”_ someone yelled in fear “ _Summon the witch!”_ another added, and within seconds, an army surrounded the Monk and his two companions, tension filled the air, even Goliath felt tensed, he was giving the Faes death glares, ready to fight anyone who crosses his friend “ _how did you get in here Monk?”_ a voice, feminine and familiar echoed, they made a path and there she was, the Wolf Blood Witch standing with her sword in her belt, wearing her people's blue, Morgana and Arthur behind, she was different though, Gawain knew instantly this was not the girl he used to carry on his back when they were younger, something was dark about her “ _Nimue”_ the boy shouted and ran to her, hugging her tight, she hugged back but her hug felt like air, her eyes focused on the Monk, who had a hand on the hem of his sword out of habit, holding Gawain’s with the other.

_“Nimue, Lancelot saved us! He helped us get here, he's one of us!”_ Squirrel told but his words were unheard or rather ignored _“he’s not one of us!”_ she bellowed, her sword found its way to the Monk’s neck who stood still, his eyes centered on hers _“it’s true, he’s Ash Kind, one of the few alive”_ Gawain explained _“Nimue, he saved us, he was taken by the paladins little, he was just trying to survive”_ Gawain moved closer, placing his hand on her sword until he lowered the damned steel that looked as if it was glued to her hand _“he saved us”_ he repeated again, seemingly the woman didn't care _“he killed our people”_

_“Your Grace...”_ Arthur said, Gawain looked surprised by the naming _“you can’t just kill him, we agreed on a council for a reason, we must discuss it first with the advisors”_ Gawain had always disliked the Man Blood, but he definitely agreed with him this time, _“Alright then, hold a meeting, and until his fate is decided you can throw him in the_ dungeons” Gawain glanced at Lancelot, he knew he hated dark small areas, yet, the blond willingly gave his weapons and walked to the dungeons, _“go with him, make sure he’s_ _okay_ ” Gawain told Squirrel who complied, then the knight followed the three who were apparently in charge to where they held the meeting.

They entered a grand tent, with one of each clan sitting at a rounded table, Merlin as well, Nimue, Arthur, and Morgana joined them _“you can’t be here Gawain”_ Nimue said coldly, _“don’t you dare woman!”_ he replied as sharp _“you have no business being here!”_ she stated, _“I died for the cause of Faes, I’ve been devoted and loyal, most of_ you are _here because of me, I’ll be damned before I’m told to leave from a meeting that would determine a friend’s fate”_ , _"your loyalty is compromised"_ Nimue argued again, however, Kaze nodded _“he has the right to be here”_ and with that the others followed by showing their support, eventually, Gawain was given a chair which he gratefully took, sitting down with his crutches beside him, he felt their eyes on him, he could see how curious they were and how they pitied him but luckily no one dared to say a word.

_“I vote for killing him”_ Nimue said not wasting any time _“he saved us, he fought the trinity by himself to save us! If it wasn’t for him Squirrel and I would be dead, I vote for giving him a chance”_ Gawain defended _“he killed our people Gawain! Have you forgotten what he did? Who he is?”_ she bickered, the brunette turned to look at her “ _so did Merlin_ _but he’s leading your council! Didn’t he betray you personally several times and prove his unworthiness?”_ he said bluntly, pointing at the man who watched amused “ _Merlin_ _saved our people, the Monk murdered them, we wouldn't be in this situation if it wasn't for him!”_ she insisted “ _The monk has a name! Lancelot of Ash Folks, Lancelot was taken little for his gifts after watching his people die, he was tortured and lied to, he’s been brainwashed and he only did what any of you would’ve done in a similar situation! and I'm not asking you to like him or even give him a position at his table, I'm asking you to grant a man of your kind a home, a place where he can live in peace”_

_“I vote for his head!”_ Nimue repeated angrily “ _you’re not killing him, if you’re against having him then fine! allow us a boat and we’ll go”_ Gawain said, what on earth happened to the girl who couldn’t sleep for tripping over a cat's tail once? This woman he didn’t recognize, this woman he didn't like _“you would abandon your own people for him? If it_ _wasn’t for him we’d be home”_ she said in disbelief, looking at the Green Knight as if he's man, _“what people? I don’t exactly see the warm welcome! And you’re ignoring the fact that if it wasn’t him, it’d be someone else! And we’re lucky that this man actually sought redemption and as his own kind we're complied to at least give him a chance, The Hiddens taught us about forgiveness and acceptance, it's time to prove that we are better than those Humans"_

_“My Queen...”_ Merlin interrupted, both her and Gawain glared in his direction _“he’s of Ash folks, he’s more valuable alive”_ Gawain scoffed internally _“Ash people are known for sensing their surroundings, and if Gawain is speaking the truth about how the Monk saved him then maybe he’s willing to save more people... if so, it means we will never face another surprise attack from the paladins, and we both know magic can only do so much”_ Kaze eyed Gawain, trying to read his emotions, his intentions, whatever there was to read, she has known Gawain for so long now, she knows that if he's this stubborn about something then it's mostly because he sees something no one else can, and she had learned to trust the Green Knight over the years “ _we could use such a fighter too”_

“ _Why don’t we just vote?”_ Morgana suggested, the others nodded _“does Gawain get a vote?”_ Arthur asked, gaining a glare from the knight, he swallowed _“I suppose it’s a yes”_ , _“the vote is for his neck”_ Nimue said _“the vote is for his staying or not”_ Gawain corrected, _“we vote by raising hands, for those who favor keeping the Monk”_ Gawain was the first to raise his, then followed by Merlin and Kaze, it was a matter of time until most of the hands were in the air.

_“I can’t believe you! You all forgot what he did!”_ Nimue shouted angrily at the council, “ _he’s still of Fey folks, we need no more of bloodshed”_ one of the clans’ heads replied _“then, I suppose he’s free to stay, but-”_ Merlin declared, Gawain interrupted _“but nothing, he’s under my supervision and he’ll be my responsibility”_ , _“then you’re granted a cottage on the east, with farmland on the east, your people were farmers correct?”_ Gawain nodded, Arthur agreed _“if that’s all I’d like to go get my companion out of the_ _dungeons now”_ Gawain didn’t really wait for an answer, he grabbed his crutches and stood up _“you’re injured, we’ll send Pym to see it”_ Nimue remarked _“no need, I’m fine”_ he grumbled then limped out of the tent.

Kaze followed, _“why him?”_ She asked, her discomfort is obvious at what happened to the Green Knight _“for months I’ve been with him and squirrel, he’s good, a good man in a bad situation deserves a chance”_ he explained, Kaze raised a brow _“what happened to you?”_ The man shrugged _“I was dead”_ he simply said, it was a struggle to find the dungeons but Gawain managed to do it, Kaze not leaving his side _“you can go attend your business”_ she shrugged _“my business is to help newcomers settle in”_

_“They wouldn’t let me be with him!”_ Squirrel shouted the moment he saw Gawain _“he hates dungeons! Tell me you got him out!”_ The former knight nodded, Kaze motioned for the guards to open the door, the three walked into the dark dungeons until they saw him, they stopped and Kaze opened the cell's door _“it's your lucky day, Gawain fought hard_ _for you, don't prove him wrong on your worthiness"_ the Monk remained motionless, sitting in the corner, to himself “ _Lancelot, it’s okay, no one will harm you, you may come_ _out now”_ Gawain assured him, the Monk looked up at him _“this was a mistake, you should’ve left me in the farm”_ he whispered, the knight sighed and walked closer to him “ _if_ _that’s what you truly wish then we’ll go back on the first ship that sails but for now, let's get you out of here, shall we?”_ he offered him a hand.

Lancelot took his hand gratefully and stood up, Gawain patted his arm _“we were given a home, come, let’s see it!”_ He gave him a little smile and the other nodded, the four walked into the house’s direction, the two horses followed shortly, Lancelot felt the eyes on him, stripping him of his clothes, his sins were visible for everyone, even though he was fully clothed, he didn’t dare to look at anyone, his eyes in the ground, he didn’t need to look at anyone, he felt the pain and the hatred, the people wanted to charge at him but he figured they didn't out of respect for Gawain.

They arrived and Kaze helped the horses to the barn first, then showed the men the house, it was small with two beds and filled with dust, there was a fireplace which they suspected it would bee used to cook and keep the house warm, and a tube for bathing, it was barely bigger than their older room at the farm and it was isolated which both men were grateful for _“you can expand it later and I'll gladly help"_ Kaze told Gawain, he agreed _“thank you for everything Kaze, we’ll take it from here”_ Gawain told the woman, not that he was ungrateful, he simply needed a rest from the stressful event and he suspected Lancelot would appreciate it too _“whatever you say, we’ll need to talk later, you need any help before I leave?”_ The knight shook his head _“thank you old friend”_

The three began to clean the residence, it didn’t take much time considering the size, by night time it was a proper place to sleep Squirrel took a bed while the two men shared the other, today's been tiring for both men, let alone the efforts of making this place proper, once they had their heads on the bed, they fell asleep.

 _“Please Gawain!”_ Lancelot woke up to the boy’s plead, for what it seemed like an argument, he groaned under his breath _“we need you to help to fix this place! Squirrel this is our home now and we have to work together!”_ Gawain explained _“but I wish to see Pym and Nimue! I want to speak to them and see if any of my friends are here!”, “boy, you’ll have plenty of time later!”_ Gawain argued “ _let him go”_ the monk sleepily interrupted _“he’s been waiting for this reunion for quite some time, he’s earned it”_ he sat up and shared a look with Gawain _“we need someone to bring us supplies anyways”_ he shrugged _“fine but be back before the sun is down”_ Gawain said defeated.

The boy grinned and hugged them both then rushed out of the door before the brunette changes his mind _“I hate it when you team up against me”_ Gawain sighed and sat next to him, the Monk frowned _“I'm sorry”_ he mumbled, the other smiled _“it’s okay, you were right anyways”_ the Monk smiled, it was good to be right, _“are you ready for today?”_ the Ash man nodded, he’s being too quiet for Gawain’s liking, guessing that it’s because how everything is going too fast for him.

The Knight gave orders on what to do around the place, the fixing that he can’t do, and the Monk figured his way to do them, by the time the night fell, every crack was fixed and the farm was prepared to welcome seedlings, while Gawain, he took it upon himself to clean and prepare the meal, he hated housework but it was better than sitting and doing nothing.

Squirrel finally returned home, the sky was dark outside, Gawain noted _“Boy! what did I say about being home before the night falls?”_ Gawain greeted him with an unimpressed look _“I know but…”_ the boy was interrupted _“but nothing! You’re grounded! Tomorrow you’re on barn duty”_ the boy opened his mouth to speak again _“no arguing boy I’m on_ _my last nerve here!”_ Lancelot watched quietly, he was the only one who noticed the red-haired woman to walked in _“Gawain…”_ the Monk whispered _“don’t try to defend him_ _Lancelot or I swear! it's all because you spoil him! you always let him do what he wants-”_ this time the monk interrupted “ _Gawain! Shut up!”_ the knight looked at him shocked, but the Monk motioned towards the Fey woman, finally, grabbing Gawain’s attention.

He stayed quiet for a moment as if he’s seen a ghost of some sort, embarrassed by how he's mothering Percival, but it all faded _“Pym!”_ he exclaimed, “ _Pym!”_ he repeated again louder and with a grin this time, he picked his crutches and walked to her, immediately embracing her in a hug, which was returned instantly, and this was the first time Gawain felt welcomed ever since he returned.

_“Gawain! When Squirrel first told me you were here I didn’t believe him!”_ she grinned, _“oh here, I know it’s hard to settle so I brought you a little something”_ she handed him a basket filled with different kinds of food which he noticed growing in the area while he angrily limped to their new home _“you didn’t have to”_ the man smiled, Lancelot got off the bed and took the basket, inspecting the ingredients curiously, Pym’s eyes focused on him, a little horror she felt, which the Monk didn’t enjoy but understood _“come,_ _supper with us! I made… well, I made something!”_ he offered and within seconds the four were sharing food on the ground _“by the Hiddens! this is disgusting and I love food”_ Squirrel was the first to comment, judging the former knight's cooking skills _“oh shut up! its food”_ Gawain said obviously offended even if he, himself, acknowledge his terrible cooking.

Pym barely ate anything of her food, but Lancelot’s plate was empty, which is no surprise, the man would eat dirt if it made Gawain happy, he glanced at the monk who was smiling a little at Squirrel’s comment _“oh so you agree with him?”_ Gawain questioned, the monk swallowed thickly, he wasn’t sure if he should tell the truth or please the brunette, he felt a set of brown eyes focused on him, making his decision even harder _“it’s food”_ he finally whispered _“Bad one”_ he gulped _“but it’s food”_

Gawain opened his mouth in disbelief, but Squirrel laughed, setting the Monk at ease a little, _“well, I’m still learning! It’s not as easy as Gunvor makes it seem”_ , _“I can teach you if you want”_ Pym offered, gaining a quick pleading nod from Squirrel, _“of course, speaking of which, you’re staying the night right? It’s too dark for you to return home by your own, you can share a bed with Squirrel”_ after a moment of thinking she agreed _“my house is in the other side of the village, it’s for the best if I stay”_

After dinner, Lancelot excused himself to look after the horses, eventually, Squirrel followed, leaving the old friends together to catch up, for once, the atmosphere was calm which Gawain appreciated _“why- why did you bring him here?”_ Pym asked curiously, truth be told, she's still frightened by the man “ _he’s one of us”_ Gawain simply replied _“he’s_ _no danger?”_ Gawain nodded hesitantly, he didn't like how he's spoken of as if he's a monster _“not as far as I know, he spent the last few months looking after us, so I suppose he’s good... As long as he’s not threatened”_ he shrugged, the woman nodded, her big eyes wandering around the house _“I love what you’ve done with the place”_ , “ _thank you, apparently cleaning is my new hobby now that I wield no sword”_

_“What happened-_ ” they both started at the same time, interrupting each other, Gawain chuckled “ _you go first milady_ ” Pym giggled _“why thank you Green Knight”_ his smile became slightly smaller at the name _“what happened to you? Like, what really happened? It’s not like you to agree to be isolated like this and not for the damned Weeping Monk for sure!”_ she whispered the last part “ _I_ …” he took a deep breath.

_“At the camp… you know that feeling when, you are hurt everywhere that you feel so numb? Well, in the Kitchen that numbness never comes, it’s endless torture that even when I died I couldn’t feel peace, then suddenly I was riding a horse to the unknown, by the time I woke up, by the time I realized what happened… the woman who looked after me, she had to turn me to each side every few hours, I was paralyzed, I couldn’t do a thing for myself, and then I regained my arms, then there he was, the pain, the humiliation made me wonder if it was worth it, you know? If being strong and being alone was worth it, Lancelot and Squirrel, they looked after me, they carried me to safety, literally, when my own kind abandoned me, they were there, he was there, he’s one of us, you know? He’s as broken as us, even more maybe”_

Pym remained quiet, she listened to him, it was the first time he’s spoken about it, he was never able to speak of it with Lancelot who needed him to be strong, nor with Squirrel who was a mere child despite everything, but Pym was his friend, someone who he can let his guards completely down with _“and, your legs?”_ she hesitantly asked _“as good as useless, the braces and the crutches are what’s keeping me standing, I feel as good as nothing there, my spine is another story though, it’s like being stabbed by small knives whenever I move”_ he admitted despite the fact that he hated to talk about it but, after all, she’s a healer, maybe she can fix him _“does he know?”_ obviously meaning the Monk _“well, not everything, he knows I can’t walk obviously, but not about the pain he doesn't know exactly how much it hurts, I'm good at hiding it he has enough to worry about”_

_“And does Squirrel know about the two of you?”_ Gawain wanted to deny that there’s anything between them but he didn’t think Pym would buy it _“I guess he suspects it”_ she nodded in understanding _“My turn... what on earth happened?”_ , the woman took one deep long breath _“well, Nimue was murdered too but Merlin’s magic brought her back to life, then we teamed up with the Red Spear, we helped her take down King Crumble in return she granted us this land, it was a terrible battle, a very terrible battle, no one was the same after it, and then we came here and the paladins kept coming until one day Nimue and Merlin sacrificed part of them to create a protective barrier of some sort, but it’s not permanent and well, things been pretty ugly… I’m glad you’re back”_

The two shared a moment of silence, a comfortable one though “ _Pym_?” the brunette started again after a while, she turned to look at him _“can you fix me?”_ he said almost in a whisper, leaving the woman speechless, he could see her heartbreaking at his question, he knew it was a slim chance but no harm in asking, right? “ _I know, others have it worst, I know you’re busy, but is it possible? I need to get better, for them! They need me, he needs me, he deserves it”_ the woman frowned _“Gawawin, I- the best I can do is help you with the pain… I’m sorry”_ the man nodded and never spoke of it again.


	9. The Hopeful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gawain tries to process his new condition but not in the best way which causes him even more problems, and terrifies the Monk, now he's left with more pieces to pick and most of them are his own doing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Lovelies, as you might've noticed, this is the last of this story! it's been an amazing ride but it's time for a new chapter, this work will most likely be part of a series so this is not a goodbye not the last of this family's adventures.  
> enjoy the reading! see you soon.

He didn’t speak of it but it doesn’t mean he didn’t think of it too much, any hope he had of recovering was gone, he’ll never fight again, he’ll never race again, he’ll never be able to walk with Lancelot for hours and run after him, he will never be able to play with Squirrel or teach him how to duck swords, he'll never be able to make love to the man he loved, or carry woods to build their house, he didn’t speak of it but it showed, Squirrel could feel something it and he was no Ash man, and so did Lancelot, it worried them but whenever they tried to speak of it, the man denied, eventually Lancelot gave up on asking and busied himself with modifications for their home, it was bigger now, they built rooms, and storage and had an actual place to wash, all in less than a month, and the ground was filled with seeds which grew bigger each day.

Gawain never left the farm, but Lancelot did, four times, to get supplies which Squirrel couldn’t carry by himself, the first two times were the hardest, no one would agree to sell him anything, the people would use any chance to throw insults at him, and he’s sure if it wasn’t for Arthur’s many warnings they’d be throwing more than that, Squirrel made friends, Pym offered to take the boy to live with her but the three instantly refused, they were so used to each other, and honestly, Squirrel was the only thing that’s keeping Lancelot sane lately, if she takes him then he has nothing.

The nights were the worst, at night, he is alone with Gawain and God! The feelings he could sense coming from the knight were disturbing! It kept him on his toes, terrified of making the wrong move, of making the wrong sound, he kept telling himself that Gawwain would never hurt him but all the hatred and pain can change a man, even one such as the Green Knight.

Tonight was no different, Squirrel went to bed in his own room first, then followed the two men, Lancelot can’t sleep unless Gawain falls asleep first, otherwise, his darkness will swallow him alive, but tonight he felt an arm around him, something he missed over the past month _“Lance?”_ Gawain's voice was next, the Monk remained quiet, he felt lips on his cheek, and soon his neck, he trembled uneasily _“what’s wrong?”_ Gawain frowned, immediately moving away from him, apparently, his touches were uncomfortable anymore, Lancelot didn't turn or look at him _“you’re wrong, something is wrong with you, something is wrong with your head"_

Gawain scoffed _“nothing is wrong with me”_ he denied, he didn’t show any signs of anger but Lancelot could feel it, he curled into himself _“you’re seriously scared of me? denying Me?”_ he said in disbelief, Lancelot didn’t even dare to look at him, _“Lancelot I’m talking to you! please look at me and talk to me!”_ his voice grew louder, the Monk closed his eyes shut, _“you’ve got to be kidding me!”_ he said frustrated, the blond hated how he could sense everything, he hated how he couldn’t sense the security nor the safety Gawain provided, he tried to reach for him but the monk instantly jumped on both feet, standing tall “I don’t know what’s wrong with you, but you’re different, you… need help”

_“Of course I need fucking help! As a matter of fact! I’m spending the rest of my life needing help! By the Hiddens do you have any idea of the amount of pain I’m in? Do you have any idea of what it’s like not to be able to do the simplest things? All thanks to your precious friends of paladins! All thanks to you! Can’t you just let me be fucking angry for a while? Do you have to take away my anger too?”_ Gawain yelled, regretting it instantly but it was too late for that.

The monk looked at him with tears in his eyes, he instantly walked out of the room then the house _“Lancelot wait!”_ Gawain cursed himself he reached for his crutches, but by the time he was able to go out of the house Lancelot had taken Goliath off and he was out of his sight, the man cursed himself for ruining the only good thing he had, for saying what he didn’t mean, he cursed himself for hurting the only person who’s ever loved him.

For the next three days, there was no sight of Lancelot at the farm, no one’s heard from him and who thought it’s possible? It was a small island and he was quite the celebrity around here, Gawain was worried and so was Squirrel who went to the city every day in a desperate hope of finding him, but for three days no one knew anything about him.

On the fourth day, he was finally spotted, on the other side of the island, knocking on a certain door in the middle of the night, it didn’t take long for the door to swing open by a very frightened Pym “oh no” she mumbled, she must admit, she's still not very keen of the man's presence _“please… I… I need a place to stay the night”_ he said softly and desperately, the woman was still terrified but she made enough space for him to enter the house, which he quickly did, she lit up the candles and took a look at the injured, dirty, hurt monk, wincing at his sight.

_“Gawain’s been looking everywhere for you? What happened?”_ She said as she finally began to feel at ease around him which took a while, the monk sat down _“I doubt that”_ he whispered, she swallowed _“you’re hungry?”_ The nan looked at her with pleading eyes _“you definitely seem hungry! I have leftovers”_ she mumbled and went to her cooking area, returning with half a bread, ale, and chicken soup, the monk gratefully took and within minutes emptied, the Fey woman frowned at his sight, she sat across from him.

_“What happened to you? You look like, well, hell, would you like to rest perhaps or need help?”_ The monk shook his head _“thank you, I’m good”_ he whispered softly, Pym sighed _“well, good thing you came here, it’ll start raining soon, Arak said tonight will be the biggest thunderstorm we’ve ever seen”_ the woman said to break the ice, the monk frowned, _“a thunderstorm? Isn’t this supposed to be an eternal garden?”_ She pouted _“eternal gardens and spring comes with storms too”_ Squirrel is terrified of thunderstorms, the monk recalled, and if it’s truly the biggest thunderstorm then the boy would need all the support he can get, and he knows that Gawain can’t provide that currently, and maybe he cared a little too much for the boy, he got up “ _I must leave, thank you”_ he didn’t give her time to protest, he was out and riding his horse to the farm the fastest he can.

By the time he arrived the storm was already there, he helped Goliath to the stable _“I know, we’re doing it for the boy”_ he said as he struggled with convincing his companion to go inside _“Goliath it’s too dangerous for us to be out in the storm anyway!”_ The horse neighed at him then walked inside _“thank you”_ the monk said softly then walked to the house, taking a deep breath, he gathered his courage and knocked on the door.

Gawain was the one to answer _“Lancelot…”_ the former knight whispered, instantly opening his arms to embrace him but the monk retreated, which felt like a stab to the heart _“I'm here for the boy”_ Lancelot pushed past him _“Perci- Squirrel?”_ He called, and within seconds the boy jumped into his arms, Lancelot struggled but he picked him up “ _I_ _thought I’d never see you again! By the Hiddens Lancelot! I was so worried! Don’t ever leave me like this! Ever!”_ The boy mumbled into his shoulder _“I’m sorry, I’m right here_ ” he whispered softly.

The two of them ended up in his and Gawain’s room, laying on the bed, Squirrel clenching to his cloak whenever he’d hear the thunder, while the monk ran his fingers through his golden hair, a gesture that used to soothe him, a gesture he’d give anything to have back but he couldn’t, Gawain was on the other side, keeping his distance, he’s never felt more excluded, and it pained him but he guessed it was nowhere close to the pain he caused the monk.

Eventually, Squirrel felt safe enough to sleep on Lancelot’s arm, leaving the two men by themselves _“he’s been looking for you, every day he’d leave at the dawn and come at_ _night_ ” Gawain finally said, the monk had his eyes on the boy, perhaps if he ignores his words he'd disappear and it would be like Gawain never entered his life “ _don’t punish him for my mistakes, he needs you too, stay”_ he pleaded the last part _“I can’t”_ the monk replied _“you lied to me, you said you cared about me and I deserved a chance, but you blame me for what happened to you even after you swore that I had no choice in it, I can’t stay, how can I stay with a man that will see his torturer whenever he looks at me?”_ the monk said softly _“I didn’t mean what I said I was angry”_ Gawain defended _“people show their true colors when they’re angry”_ the monk said calmly.

_“Do you truly believe that? Do you truly believe that was my true color?”_ Gawain asked, the other shrugged _“I don’t know what to believe anymore”_ , “ _then believe me! I’m sorry!_ _Please be back if not for me then for him!”_ Gawain begged _“he’ll forget about me eventually, I’m not that important”_ Gawain was left with quietness, he got out of the room once the storm calmed and sat by the fire, holding back his tears, he ruined everything! Everything! Just because he was angry at himself.

_“You should bathe”_ was the first thing Lancelot heard once he woke up, coming from the joyful boy who grinned at him, Lancelot rubbed his eyes, _“good morning to you too_ ” He said sarcastically, which made the boy’s smile even bigger _“come on!_ ” He took his hand and dragged him out of the bed, pushing him towards the bathroom _“I had it prepared for you! You take a bath while I make you breakfast!”_ in Squirrel's head, if he spoiled the former monk enough then perhaps it would make him want to stay, Lancelot was left with no choice if he’s being honest, he could use a bath, especially once he saw a towel and a set of new clothes waiting for him.

He took off his clothes, piece by piece, and washed them first then hanged them to dry, then he got into the fairly sized tub and let the warmth wash away his pain, his eyes were closed, he probably fell asleep at some point, but once he opened them the water was red, guessing he opened a wound or two, he stepped out and looked around, Gawain definitely made some changes, like the huge mirror in the bathroom, he remembers it was too dirty for anyone to use but he guessed Gawain scrubbed it clean, hesitatingly, he decided to take a quick glance at his body.

His eyes were as blue as he remembers, and his lips were cracked and dry, he had few scars which were barely visible on his face, he took a deep breath, then his eyes wandered down his body, beginning with the old scars on his shoulders and the few healed cuts on his abdomen, he traced them with his fingers, it made him curious to see how his back looked like, he gulped and turned just enough to see, it was horrible, no wonder why Gawain didn’t love him, how could he love someone with no spot for touching on his back? How could he love someone with all those sins? How could he love someone so ugly?

The monk fell to his knees and sobbed, maybe if he was slightly prettier the other would love him, would forgive him, would want him.

Gawain felt uneased, something was wrong, Lancelot was taking so long, he paced around the door, ignoring that his spine was begging for rest from the uncomfortable position he slept in yesterday, Gawain felt something was wrong and it took him a glimpse of Lancelot’s sobs to have him storming into the bathroom, he saw the blond sobbing naked on the ground, trying to choke his screams, the knight threw his crutches aside and immediately sat next to him, embracing him in a hug which Lancelot fought at first.

The asher was shaking, for the first time Gawain’s seen him shaking like this, and no matter what he did the other seemed to be immune to his comfort, Squirrel walked to check on them, but the look Gawain gave him made him walk out immediately, Squirrel’d never seen the monk this vulnerable before, both Gawain and Lancelot made sure of that, and Gawain’d never seen him this disconnected from his surroundings, eventually, his tears dried and his voice was quiet, he was too tired and drained that he passed out in Gawain’s arms.

The man called for the boy and together they dragged him to his bed, they covered him with the fur blanket, neither having the heart to leave him alone, Squirrel was the first to notice Lancelot’s back _“Gawain look, those are new”_ he whispered softly, the knight pulled the fur off his back to see, inspecting the newly open wounds, he truly managed to send him to the state of mind where he thought it was his fault and he needed to be punished for it, they were too many, almost hiding the old ones, he took a shaky breath “ _by the Hiddens Lancelot!”_ He whispered, this is his fault, if he was stronger then none of this would’ve happened!

_“I’ll go to Pym, ask her to mix the herbs, and bring a cloth to wrap them”_ the boy volunteered, the knight gave him silver coins just in case, and with that he went, leaving the two alone, the trip was far especially that he went on foot, and eventually Lancelot woke up, sore and confused, Gawain instantly hovered on top of him _“hey, how are you_ _feeling?”_ He whispered softly, placing a kiss on his forehead _“my head hurts”_ the blond closed his eyes as he mumbled _“we might’ve hit your head with something while dragging you, sorry”_ Lancelot growled.

Gawain decided to initiate first, so he laid down next to him and wrapped an arm around him so lightly _“I had a hope… that fey healing might’ve worked on me, that I might’ve been able to walk again”_ the brunette started _“that… I could do normal things, like carrying squirrel or going on walks with you, Pym said it’ll never happen, I’ll always be a cripple who’s doomed to suffer the pain, and I was so angry at myself, I didn’t realize I was hurting you and Squirrel in the process”_ he continued _“I don’t blame you, not even for a second that I think of it, I was hurt and I handled it poorly, but once I realized what I was doing it was too late, I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I wish you’d give me your trust again”_

Lancelot listened to him, then slowly opened his eyes to look at him, it was the first time he actually looks at him ever since that day _“I understand, it’s my fault… I’m not enough”_ He whispered, Gawain instantly shook his head _“no, you’re more than enough you’re perfect, everything about you is perfect, this, this isn’t your fault, my own stupidity isn’t your fault”_ the monk instantly closed his eyes _“stop, stop saying that, I’m not perfect! I’m not! Stop lying”_ he began to cry again, this time, Gawain was with, _“no_ _you listen, you’re perfect, and I love you, I love you whole, every inch of you and you’ve done nothing wrong I swear it to you, Lancelot, you’re good, the best I've ever hand, none is your fault, non is your doing, I'm so sorry if I made you believe otherwise even for a second!”_ the knight planted a kiss on the monk’s lips, his lips moving down, to his neck and the little scars on his shoulders, to the big ones on his stomach and the many ones on his back, the other hid his face the entire time, not desring to look, chocking his tears, he just waited for him to be over with it, he hated the fact that Gawain was able to see them too.

That day, Lancelot didn’t say another word or make any movement, and Gawain never left his side, treating his wounds, soothing him, he did everything he could to remind him that he’s there, to make him feel loved, to prove his love and how he’s not going anywhere.

The monk didn’t leave which was a good sign for Gawain but he also tried to avoid hin as much as possible, which wasn’t as good, he stayed under the fur most of the time, he was too weakened by the blood loss and the emotional lashing to move, Gawain eventually needed to tend few affairs and he was left with the boy, apparently the monk was not to be trusted on his own.

_“Are you asleep?”_ Squirrel whispered as he laid down next to him, Lancelot opened his eyes and looked at him _“are you alright?”_ The boy whispered again, the monk simply nodded even if he was obviously not and a blind man can see it _“do you want anything? Or want to do something?”_ he whispered softly and moved closer to the monk who tried to hold his hand but he was too hesitant, it seemed like a weird gesture but Squirrel took his hand anyways _“I’m sorry”_ he whispered softly _“I know you’ve been stressed and bothered, I didn’t mean it, the last thing I wished for is for you to see me like this and for me to lay my problems and worry you with them”_ the monk was too exhausted, his voice was barely audible.

_“It’s alright, I don’t mind as long as you’ll get better eventually, it’s a lot to take in, being here, and please don’t get upset at Gawain, when he’s upset he can be a little of an arse but he has a good heart! He cares for you, we both do, you're part of this mess of a family whether you like it or not”_ the monk gave him a little smile _“we’ll be okay, you_ _just focus on getting healthy, I'll make sure of it”_ he mumbled and closed his eyes, the moment the boy stopped talking the other fell asleep, he spent the day asleep only waking up for a meal or so.

It’s been a while, Lancelot was getting better, he was calm as long as he didn’t have to stay alone with Gawain for too long, but the knight wasn’t okay, he wanted to fix whatever problem they had so of course when Squirrel finally left the Monk’s side he took the opportunity to converse with him, they were sitting by the bonfire, distant as always, he just couldn’t comprehend how one stupid fight can turn what they had into a living nightmare.

_“We need to talk”_ Gawain commenced, the monk winced _“then talk”_ , _“no we both need to talk, to each other”_ Gawain told, just in case the other was missing the point _“I have_ _nothing to say”_ he whispered softly, _“bullshit! You’re obviously hurt! And I’m obviously at fault here, so talk to me, tell me how I Can make it better!”_ Gawain pleaded the last part, shifting to be closer to him, the other remained quiet _“Look, I get it, I should’ve been stronger for you and for Squirrel, I should’ve never blamed you for what you had no choice in, I get it, and I’m sorry, Lancelot I’m really trying here, meet me halfway, this is what people do when they’re together, they meet each other halfway”_

The monk sighed _“you’re right, I’m the one who delivered you to them, and it’s my fault that you’re in constant pain and no matter what I try to do, I can’t fix it, and you have to suffer for it”_ Gawain reached for him, placing his hand on his arm, but this time the other didn’t push him away or flinch _“who said I’m suffering? I’m good, the pain can be taken away with few meds, and I’ve grown used to the crutches, by next year I’ll be racing you to Pym’s house!”_ he tried to make him feel better _“look, remember when you first told me that you liked me too? I told you I was broken, nothing changed, I’m still broken, and so are you, but together we can help each other, fix the pieces that fell apart, and I’m not ready to give up on us, I’m not ready to live a life where I can’t hold you”_

The monk placed his head on Gawain’s shoulder, he closed his eyes, Gawain formed a slight smile, now this is good _“I’m sorry that I ran off... I should've been stronger”_ he whispered “i _t’s okay, I’m sorry that I scared you, I guess my attempt of not worrying you backfired”_ Lancelot took Gawain’s hand in his _“yeah, let’s not do that again”_ the former knight agreed, _“and let’s stop hurting you, trust me, I’m not worth the pain you put yourself under”_ , _“it doesn’t hurt that much”_ , _“punch me if you must but don’t you dare hurt yourself because of anything I say or do, you're not responsible for my stupidity and I'd rather be kicked in the balls a thousand times than have you hurt because of me"_ Gawain added, the other stayed quiet, enjoying the familiar comfort he’s been missing for the past few days.

_“Finally! I thought you two idiots wouldn’t figure it out by yourselves”_ Squirrel’s voice echoed as he walked through the door, handing each of them an apple, the three sat and ate by the fire, _“start eating again! Or I swear I’ll kick you in the balls”_ he warned Lancelot, Gawain smacked the back of Squirrel’s head, earning a wince _“boy what did I tell you_ _about being home before the sun’s down? You know the island isn’t keen on having us! And you can’t keep wandering like this! it's worrying me!”_ he scolded, the boy rubbed the back of his head _“I was helping Pym!”_ he defended, the man raised a brow at him.

_“So… there’s something you should know, about Lancelot and I”_ Gawain started, it was a thing he’s been thinking about telling him for a while now, he just never had the chance, with the trip then fixing the house, and lastly the whole anger situation, Lancelot on the other hand, felt like his heart was racing out of his chest _“I know, you two are together, it’s obvious”_ the boy said with so little interest _“you’ve known all along? Why didn’t you say something?”_ the knight frowned _“I didn’t think it was a big deal”_

Everything was alright again, the two were together again, and today was special, today Gawain finally agreed to visit the markets, they had to take the other horse, Goliath tripped Gawain off the moment he mounted him, maybe the grand beast hasn't forgiven him quite yet, Gawain rode mostly until they arrived, while Lancelot and Squirrel walked by his side _“May I go stay with Pym? She’s teaching me about drugging herbs, it paralyzes your opponent! I’ll be back home before sunset!”_ the boy asked, Gawain and Lancelot shared a look _“okay, but be good”_ Gawain replied _“thank you”_ the boy shouted as he wasted no time running towards the woman’s house before the knight could change his mind.

Lancelot helped Gawain off the horse and he took his crutches and began to walk, it’s been a while, they both weren’t enjoying it though, both felt everyone’s eyes on them, with Gawain being the crippled freak while Lancelot being a complete freak, the people didn't like either of them but that didn't stop them, they wandered through the bazaars and the shops, brought few things even.

Thy tried to act as normal as they can, but they felt their glares, he hated it, they spat in his direction, Lancelot pretended not to care but Gawain knew better, it was difficult not to storm at them and start a fight, if Gawain wasn’t the cripple he is he probably would’ve and well, Lancelot would never hurt someone unless he’s asked to do it, it pisssed the knight off, he'd never fight his abusers unless he's told to do so, to think at least the people would respect his sacrifices and at least pretend to treat them decently, but apparently, the moment they had no use of them is the moment they were treated as if he's nothing, and for helping a Fey who's slightly different and was forced to make few bad decisions he became a traitor.

Eventually, they returned home, Gawain immediately found himself laying down, to ease his pain, with Lancelot by his side, holding each other. 

_“They’ll never accept me”_ Lancelot started, Gawain shrugged _“it doesn’t matter what they think, I accept you and so does Squirrel, no one else really matters”_ the boy was asleep in his room, even though Lancelot loved those lonely moments with Gawain, he wished if Squirrel was still sleeping with them, it was a whole nother type of comfort, one that maybe he needed now the most, Gawain pulled the Monk closer and placed a gentle kiss on his lips, the other answered with one as well, now that's a feeling he grew to adore _“we’re the only people that matters, and you know what? Fuck them, we’ll have our own kingdom here and if they don’t like it then that’s on them”_

The monk kissed him back, caressing his cheek softly _“I’m sorry that things aren’t that great with your people, I’m sure if I wasn’t here things would’ve been better”_ Gawain raised an eyebrow at him _“What part of I love you and I want you by my side and no one else matters but the people in this house did you not get?”_ the monk blushed _“I love you_ _too_ ” he whispered _“tomorrow will be better”_ Gawain assured him, little did they know, nothing is ever better.

**Author's Note:**

> this can be read as a oneshot, 
> 
> I'm unsure if I should make more chapters to it, what do you guys think? would you like to read more of this story?
> 
> and if yes, any special requests?


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